So as it's a Bank Holiday, and no Bank Holiday is complete without a bit of Bond, here they are, presented as a supplement to my lengthy Live And Let Die waffles. Think of them as some kind of rubbish Special Feature you might get on a really cheap DVD. No, you can't have your money back.
This role-playing adventure game (think pale, socially awkward boys rolling ten-sided dice in order to find out the Success Chance of a given action, which is determined by multiplying the Primary Chance of the action by the Ease Factor) was part of a series made between 1983 and 1987. The amazing cover features bouncing boats and Bond in a canary yellow shirt, looking uncannily like Timothy Dalton, who wouldn't play Bond until three years after this game was produced.
I really, really want it.
The Amstrad computer game is amazing for two reasons: firstly the massive ginger afro they've given Bond on the front cover (I suppose it could be an explosion), and secondly the hilariously camp depiction of Louisiana State Police's Sheriff JW Pepper and his ker-razy, apostrophe-heavy lecture to "the kids":
"Goddam it boy! That darned Mister Bond bin at it agin'. He done and wrecked twelve o' my bran' noo po-lice cars, broke all da speed laws o' tha' county an' now he's causin' mayhem in that boat a' his! If ah ketch any o' yoo boys or gals a' followin' his exam-ple now, you'se better be watchin' yo' ar@*. Shee-oot!"It was going well until he said "ar@*". Clearly the correct pronunciation in the southern US state of Louisiana would be "a@*".
I don't know what the hell is going on here but let's say for the sake of argument that it's definitely not racist.
The cover of this Russian first edition of 'Casino Royale' and 'Live And Let Die' features a subtle ad for Rolex watches, which probably failed because nobody was ever going to look at the back of the book when there's a naked, large-breasted woman having a two-handed ladywank on the front.