Monday, 29 August 2011

Live And Let Die: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

In preparation for this month's BlogalongaBond, I did my usual scouring of Google Images in order to find something worth chuntering about. Usually all I get is a load of boring DVD covers and stills the whole world has seen a bazillion times, but this time I struck gold with an assortment of pictures that I couldn't find room for in the main post.

So as it's a Bank Holiday, and no Bank Holiday is complete without a bit of Bond, here they are, presented as a supplement to my lengthy Live And Let Die waffles. Think of them as some kind of rubbish Special Feature you might get on a really cheap DVD. No, you can't have your money back.

This role-playing adventure game (think pale, socially awkward boys rolling ten-sided dice in order to find out the Success Chance of a given action, which is determined by multiplying the Primary Chance of the action by the Ease Factor) was part of a series made between 1983 and 1987. The amazing cover features bouncing boats and Bond in a canary yellow shirt, looking uncannily like Timothy Dalton, who wouldn't play Bond until three years after this game was produced.
I really, really want it.

The Amstrad computer game is amazing for two reasons: firstly the massive ginger afro they've given Bond on the front cover (I suppose it could be an explosion), and secondly the hilariously camp depiction of Louisiana State Police's Sheriff JW Pepper and his ker-razy, apostrophe-heavy lecture to "the kids":
"Goddam it boy! That darned Mister Bond bin at it agin'. He done and wrecked twelve o' my bran' noo po-lice cars, broke all da speed laws o' tha' county an' now he's causin' mayhem in that boat a' his! If ah ketch any o' yoo boys or gals a' followin' his exam-ple now, you'se better be watchin' yo' ar@*. Shee-oot!"
It was going well until he said "ar@*". Clearly the correct pronunciation in the southern US state of Louisiana would be "a@*".

I don't know what the hell is going on here but let's say for the sake of argument that it's definitely not racist.

The cover of this Russian first edition of 'Casino Royale' and 'Live And Let Die' features a subtle ad for Rolex watches, which probably failed because nobody was ever going to look at the back of the book when there's a naked, large-breasted woman having a two-handed ladywank on the front.

As if Bond didn't have enough to worry about with a madman on the loose and his totty tied to the wall of a cave, he's now about to be buggered by a black man in a loincloth. I don't know what it says about me but I would love to have seen Roger Moore tackle this scene in the film. Quip your way out of that one, smartar@*.


  1. We are in the dying daze of the film industry's Bond age, and it does involve a lot of Bondage (and cleavage).

    In the last book cover you left out a thought bubble for Bond "It is fortunate that the flatulence fired flamethrower feature fitted by Q is going to burn this bugger's heart out from inside his balls." Also a speech bubble has him saying "Where did you find that tantalising chest and where did you find that box of pieces of eight?"

    Bond is not racist. He is a misogynist sexist bastard in any colour that takes his fancy.

  2. This post is amazing. I want EVERY SINGLE ITEM, preferably in multiple.

  3. It's the wrong Bond, but I saw these in a museum the other day:

    I can now add to my store of knowledge the brand of rubber band James Bond would buy if James Bond bought rubber bands.