Friday, 19 August 2011

Holly Valance Ruins Goldfinger For Everyone

Australian actress, model and all-round whatever Holly Valance aroused tabloid journos last week with a "steamy" photoshoot for Foster's Gold, in which she's seen stripped down to her pants, painted gold and lying "seductively" on a bed. It's a recreation of the classic scene from Goldfinger, apparently, BECAUSE FOSTER'S GOLD AND GOLDFINGER BOTH HAVE THE WORD "GOLD" IN, DO YOU SEE?!?! I do hope someone got a massive bonus for that. published the above photo, following it with these utterly redundant words:
"Seductively laying [sic] across an unmade bed, Holly only wears a pair of knickers as the rest of her body is smothered in gold body paint. With one leg in the air, she rests her head on her hands [sic] while the other clutches onto a bottle of the new drink."
Thanks for that, If it hadn't been for your drooling description of the picture you've just shown me, I wouldn't have known what I was looking at. By the way, how many hands does Holly have exactly?

Obviously the Daily Mail got in on the act too, and after making the usual helpful observations about "negative comments" Holly attracted "earlier this year when she was spotted looking curvier than normal" (translation: The Daily Mail called her fat because she was bigger than a size 8), celebrated her normality by publishing this snap of her "reclining sexily across a white bed":
The Mail obviously credit their readers with more intelligence than the Metro, and so didn't feel the need to add a detailed description of their photo, so I hope they won't mind if I do it for them:
"Awkwardly lying on a filthy mattress in a Soho brothel, Holly holds the product she's advertising so far to the corner of the frame that it's barely noticeable, allowing us to focus more carefully on her terrifying frying pan-esque head and vacant expression, suggesting that she's got no idea why she's allowed someone to paint her tits and arrange her in assorted unsexy positions while they witter on about something called 'Goldfinger', whatever that is."
Now obviously I'm no James Bond geek, so I won't bang on endlessly about how this "recreation" singularly fails to recreate any of the sexuality, intrigue or subtlety of the scene which inspired it. I would, however, suggest that for all the associations there are between Foster's Gold and Goldfinger, they could just as easily have picked any film with the word "Gold" in the title from which Holly could pick a classic scene to recreate. So here's her next few campaigns sorted:

The Gold Rush

Fool's Gold

The Man With The Golden Gun

*Awaits delivery of free Foster's Gold*


  1. This post marks be the future of 'advertorials', right?