Monsters

Raaarr! Look at me, I'm a Monster! Grrr! I'm all terrifying and threatening and nasty and what have you, so much so that they named a whole movie after my kind! RRAAARRR!!! I can't wait to see it, after all, a film called Monsters sounds amazing, it'll have loads of, well, monsters in it, being all monstery and stuff, right? I mean, look at that poster! That's bound to have more monster action than the similarly-marketed District 9, surely? And from the trailer it also looks a bit like Cloverfield, which had a MASSIVE monster in it! I tell you what, if this film doesn't turn out to be anything like either of those films, then there must have been a supreme balls-up in the marketing department and no mistake! GRRAAARR!!

What's that? You're kidding. It's not really about monsters? It's about two people who trek across Mexico avoiding monsters? Grrr! Surely there's a set-piece in the middle with a terrifically tense monster attack? What do you mean, "there is but it's not very tense and only lasts a couple of minutes"? What about the big finale? There must be some huge monster-on-human action at the end, the marketing virtually promises it! There is a big monster scene at the end you say? Oh good. I was beginning to worry. Hang on, they do what? Eh? You're havin' a giraffe. That sounds ridiculous! Grrrrr!!

I feel like I've been lied to now! This is almost as bad as when they told me World's Greatest Dad was going to be a crappy, lowest-common-denominator comedy when in fact it was a really good, smart black comedy! Why, it's almost as if the people responsible for selling these films to the public haven't got a clue what they're doing! I mean, if they'd sold it as a bit of a love story slash road trip that looks lovely, is well-acted by the two leads and all those other people in it who the director just grabbed off the street, and doesn't actually include much in the way of monstery apart from as a vague metaphor about something or other then I wouldn't mind, but this makes me so cross I could destroy a city! GGRRRAAAAAARRRRR!!!