Thursday, 16 December 2010

The Bottom 10 Movie Events Of 2010

Before we sweep the worst year for movies, like, ever under the lounge rug like so much veruca trimmings and crispy dried snot (that's what's under everyone's lounge rug, right?), I thought it was worth reflecting on some of the crustiest bogies that befell the movie world in 2010. You may want a cute kitten video on standby for when it's all over; I recommend this one.

Development on the next James Bond
film was "suspended indefinitely"
Thanks to a small accounting oversight, MGM found themselves one hundred million billion trillion dollars in debt, meaning nobody could fork out for a new pair of titchy trunks for Daniel Craig's next outing as James Bond. Things seem to be getting back on track now, with Spyglass Entertainment running MGM and production moving forward on The Hobbit, but a new Bond is at least two years away and Craig may well "do a Dalton" in the meantime, leaving the field open for Shia LaBeouf. Speaking of which...

Shia LaBeouf continued to get work
The guy must be in the possession of some seriously incriminating photographs. That's the only way I can explain it.

Gentlemen Broncos went missing

A new film by the director of Napoleon Dynamite, starring Jemaine Clement and Sam Rockwell, spent about four minutes in UK cinemas and has so far failed to turn up on DVD. What up with that?

This... thing happened
Possibly the most unpleasant thing to happen anywhere ever, this documentary of the world's screechingest harpy's 2008-09 tour promised "the unique opportunity to follow Celine everywhere... this movie will show it all". Celine herself even said: "I let the cameras follow me everywhere. It's definitely the most intimate journey that I've ever shared with my fans." So basically if we don't see her pissing in the bath, inserting tampons and accidentally getting shit on her fingers when wiping her arse, we're being massively lied to here.

The next Batman film got a really shit name
There are two main problems with The Dark Knight Rises as a title:
1. It's boring. It sounds like Batman's just been woken by Alfred with a nice cup of tea and a hot buttered crumpet and he's just having a little stretch.
2. It sets off my OCD alarm. Why is he Batman for one film but The Dark Knight for two? Some of us demand continuity, dammit!
For what it's worth (less than nothing), here's what Nolan's Batrilogy should have been called:
I give myself bonus points for use of another Chris Nolan title, original use of punctuation and nice rhymez.

James Cameron announced two Avatar sequels
Announcing one sequel to one of the most indefensible wastes of time and money in the history of motion pictures would have been bad enough, but to announce two - one of which is set underwater for added tedium - is like being poked in both eyes with an angry wasp's backside. In 3D. Ooh that reminds me, did I mention how I feel about 3D?

Perfectly good old films are being
unnecessarily raped into another dimension
As if a CG Sy Snootles and Greedo shooting first weren't enough for George Lucas, the bearded bellend is now insisting that the original Star Wars - and Indiana Jones - films are to be retro-three-dimensionated in order to hoover up any cash James Cameron might have left on the table bring the magic to a whole new generation of walking wallets moviegoers.
Well fuck you done George.

Movie marketing discovered a
whole new level of misleading

Some personal heroes died

Martin Grace
Indiana Jones and James Bond stuntman

Dennis Hopper
Actor, writer and director

Tom Mankiewicz
Bond and Superman screenwriter

Leslie Nielsen
Actor and public sphincter-relaxer

Irvin Kershner
Director of The Empire Strikes Back

I spent a lot of time watching films like these
That's an extra 1,279 minutes I could have spent on my fruitless campaign to get an interview with Edgar Wright. Or watching
the latest version of Avatar.

So that was 2010. 2011 brings us Transformers 3Smurfs and Justin Bieber: Never Say Never 3D, as well as the continued absence of a James Bond film, so come back this time next year to see if I've thrown myself under a train.


  1. Gentleman Broncos I not only saw at the cinema and enjoyed. There is a dvd copy lounging in my hmv waiting to be brought.

  2. Yeah, Gentlemen Broncos is exclusive to HMV for some reason. Was still about £14 last time I checked.

  3. I have had the entire research team chopped up and fed to the cute kitten.

  4. Gentlemen Broncos is also doing the rounds online, if you catch my length.

  5. So, TIS (The Incredible Suit) used to envy the critics on the guest list of all major distributors and festival organisers affording pre-release free viewing of hundreds of movies every year.

    TIS now knows the job is much akin to sitting watching a sewage outfall all year long in the hope of spotting the occasional rose or treasure chest that sploshes into the sump once in a while.

    Now TIS realises that film critics are a valuable filter. All the trashy stuff lodges in their brains instead of yours.

    I tip my hat to TIS.

  6. Oh, how I laughed. And then felt a little sad.

  7. What Tony Cox said...