For a while there it looked like only trailers featuring superheroes were going to be released this week, with everyone else too scared to promote their films at the same time as the mighty cash hoovers. But then Ryan Gosling turned up, and he fears no man, be he bat or spider, and before we knew it we had a whole bunch of new films to get excited about. Cheers RyGoz!
The Dark Knight Rises
I still can't believe nobody's spotted the surprise villain hiding in the opening shot:
Released July 20th 2012
The Amazing Spider-Man
Here's an idea: shoot the whole film from Spidey's point of view and make it about the time he went to the cinema and watched Spider-Man 2.
Released July 3rd 2012
Drive
Things I really like: Ryan Gosling, Carey Mulligan, Albert Brooks, car chases, fight scenes in enclosed spaces, Christina Hendricks, Christina Hendricks' jumper bumpers, the first track on REM's seminal 1992 album Automatic For The People. This film should be released on my birthday.
Released September 23rd 2011
In Time
Can a cracking sci-fi concept and the ever-brilliant Trousersnake and Cillian Murphy cancel out the utter wretchedness of Alex Pettyfer and Amanda Seyfried? Doubt it.
Annoyingly, this film is released on my birthday.
Released November 1st 2011
Haywire
There seems to be a weird new trend in Hollywood which involves great directors making amazing films with unbelievably great casts. If, like, me, you've always dreamed of a Steven Soderbergh film starring Michael Douglas, Bill Paxton, Michael Fassbender, Antonio Banderas, Antonio Banderas' beard and *REDUCTIVE AND BORDERLINE OFFENSIVE DESCRIPTION ALERT* a hot chick who kills people, then your dream is about to come true. And this time, it won't require any sheet-washing. Released not soon enough
Before we sweep the worst year for movies, like, ever under the lounge rug like so much veruca trimmings and crispy dried snot (that's what's under everyone's lounge rug, right?), I thought it was worth reflecting on some of the crustiest bogies that befell the movie world in 2010. You may want a cute kitten video on standby for when it's all over; I recommend this one.
Development on the next James Bond
film was "suspended indefinitely"
Thanks to a small accounting oversight, MGM found themselves one hundred million billion trillion dollars in debt, meaning nobody could fork out for a new pair of titchy trunks for Daniel Craig's next outing as James Bond. Things seem to be getting back on track now, with Spyglass Entertainment running MGM and production moving forward on The Hobbit, but a new Bond is at least two years away and Craig may well "do a Dalton" in the meantime, leaving the field open for Shia LaBeouf. Speaking of which...
Shia LaBeouf continued to get work
The guy must be in the possession of some seriously incriminating photographs. That's the only way I can explain it.
Gentlemen Broncos went missing
A new film by the director of Napoleon Dynamite, starring Jemaine Clement and Sam Rockwell, spent about four minutes in UK cinemas and has so far failed to turn up on DVD. What up with that?
This... thing happened
Possibly the most unpleasant thing to happen anywhere ever, this documentary of the world's screechingest harpy's 2008-09 tour promised "the unique opportunity to follow Celine everywhere... this movie will show it all". Celine herself even said: "I let the cameras follow me everywhere. It's definitely the most intimate journey that I've ever shared with my fans." So basically if we don't see her pissing in the bath, inserting tampons and accidentally getting shit on her fingers when wiping her arse, we're being massively lied to here.
The next Batman film got a really shit name
There are two main problems with The Dark Knight Rises as a title: 1. It's boring. It sounds like Batman's just been woken by Alfred with a nice cup of tea and a hot buttered crumpet and he's just having a little stretch. 2. It sets off my OCD alarm. Why is he Batman for one film but The Dark Knight for two? Some of us demand continuity, dammit!
For what it's worth (less than nothing), here's what Nolan's Batrilogy should have been called:
I give myself bonus points for use of another Chris Nolan title, original use of punctuation and nice rhymez.
James Cameron announced two Avatar sequels
Announcing one sequel to one of the most indefensible wastes of time and money in the history of motion pictures would have been bad enough, but to announce two - one of which is set underwater for added tedium - is like being poked in both eyes with an angry wasp's backside. In 3D. Ooh that reminds me, did I mention how I feel about 3D?
Perfectly good old films are being
unnecessarily raped into another dimension
As if a CG Sy Snootles and Greedo shooting first weren't enough for George Lucas, the bearded bellend is now insisting that the original Star Wars - and Indiana Jones - films are to be retro-three-dimensionated in order to hoover up any cash James Cameron might have left on the table bring the magic to a whole new generation of walking wallets moviegoers.
Well fuck you done George.
Movie marketing discovered a whole new level of misleading
Some personal heroes died
Martin Grace
Indiana Jones and James Bond stuntman
Dennis Hopper
Actor, writer and director
Tom Mankiewicz
Bond and Superman screenwriter
Leslie Nielsen
Actor and public sphincter-relaxer
Irvin Kershner
Director of The Empire Strikes Back
I spent a lot of time watching films like these
That's an extra 1,279 minutes I could have spent on my fruitless campaign to get an interview with Edgar Wright. Or watching
the latest version of Avatar.
So that was 2010. 2011 brings us Transformers 3, Smurfs and Justin Bieber: Never Say Never 3D, as well as the continued absence of a James Bond film, so come back this time next year to see if I've thrown myself under a train.
Well over a week ago, I recorded another podcast with the Paul and Barry Chuckle of movie piffle, Sam Clements and Simon Renshaw, at the Ritzy in Brixton. Shortly after recording, the podcastotron on which our voices were so carefully laid down exploded and had to be sent to a gleaming white room so it could be nursed back to health by worried looking men with tufts of white hair over their ears and spectacles perched precariously on the ends of their noses.
Following a week of convalescence, the podcast has now been released to an indifferent public who are no longer interested in the London Film Festival, Indiana Jones in 3D or the title of the next Batman film.
Still, as a museum piece it's of minor interest, so why not pour a glass of milk and see if you can make it come out of your nose when Sam bangs his head on the back of the seat?
The word I am desperately scrabbling in vain for at 18'15" is "Luddite". Yes, I'm referring to myself.
Incidentally, if you're a card-carrying masochist you can subscribe to Sam and Simon's pods on iTunes. Fortunately they don't all feature The Incredible Suit - you may also be entertained by such knowledgeable and delicious babble merchants as Limara from Your Turn Heather, Charlie from Ultra Culture, Catherine from Film 4 and Robbie Collin Not Collins from some newspaper or other and also this blog.
Edgar Wright did one too once but nobody's ever heard of him.
