Hastily Thrown Together Crap Visual Gag Of The Day

You do not want to see the sex scene in this film.

Monsters

Raaarr! Look at me, I'm a Monster! Grrr! I'm all terrifying and threatening and nasty and what have you, so much so that they named a whole movie after my kind! RRAAARRR!!! I can't wait to see it, after all, a film called Monsters sounds amazing, it'll have loads of, well, monsters in it, being all monstery and stuff, right? I mean, look at that poster! That's bound to have more monster action than the similarly-marketed District 9, surely? And from the trailer it also looks a bit like Cloverfield, which had a MASSIVE monster in it! I tell you what, if this film doesn't turn out to be anything like either of those films, then there must have been a supreme balls-up in the marketing department and no mistake! GRRAAARR!!

What's that? You're kidding. It's not really about monsters? It's about two people who trek across Mexico avoiding monsters? Grrr! Surely there's a set-piece in the middle with a terrifically tense monster attack? What do you mean, "there is but it's not very tense and only lasts a couple of minutes"? What about the big finale? There must be some huge monster-on-human action at the end, the marketing virtually promises it! There is a big monster scene at the end you say? Oh good. I was beginning to worry. Hang on, they do what? Eh? You're havin' a giraffe. That sounds ridiculous! Grrrrr!!

I feel like I've been lied to now! This is almost as bad as when they told me World's Greatest Dad was going to be a crappy, lowest-common-denominator comedy when in fact it was a really good, smart black comedy! Why, it's almost as if the people responsible for selling these films to the public haven't got a clue what they're doing! I mean, if they'd sold it as a bit of a love story slash road trip that looks lovely, is well-acted by the two leads and all those other people in it who the director just grabbed off the street, and doesn't actually include much in the way of monstery apart from as a vague metaphor about something or other then I wouldn't mind, but this makes me so cross I could destroy a city! GGRRRAAAAAARRRRR!!!

Movie-Con III: Day 2

Yesterday left me feeling like I'd spent seven hours being run over by a 3D CGI steamroller driven by Trailer Voiceover Man. As much as I love trailers, it is possible to have too much of a good thing. It's also possible to have too much of an average thing, a category into which much of yesterday's footage neatly falls.

Before I get my grump on though, I should mention the goodie bags. There they were, waiting for us like packed stockings on Christmas morning, and - like packed stockings on Christmas morning - there were only really two great presents:

Not that I was ungrateful for the A-Team box set, the New Moon DVD, all the t-shirts or any of the other stuff. It'll all make great actual Christmas presents (except maybe the London Film Museum lanyard). But you can't beat Jelly Belly, and Bitch Slap, well, I'll enjoy finding out if you can beat that.

Anyway I saw so much footage and saw so many panels that I should only really tell you about the awful stuff and the great stuff. So:

The Awful Stuff

The teaser for Captain America is predictably abominable and abominably predictable. Stock WWII footage, some fancy graphics and a shot of Chris Evans in an embarrassingly bad costume that looks like he sewed it himself while drunk does not an appetite whet.

There was other awful stuff but I'm politely glossing over it in favour of:

The Great Stuff

My Cowboys And Aliensometer has returned to the "enthusiastic" position. Daniel Craig looks ace as a cowboy with his face hewn from Monument Valley rock, and Harrison Ford being old and cantankerous is exactly what the world needs right now. On yesterday's evidence this could be Jon Favreau's redemption for Iron Man 2.

Monsters, which I had lazily dismissed as a District 9 clone, might just be better than District 9. The stuff we saw included bonkers creatures and intimate character moments, but the highlight was a Q&A with writer / director / cinematographer / production designer / God knows what else Gareth Edwards, one of the most genuine, down-to-earth people to grace the Movie-Con stage. He was immediately likeable and I hope to Christ his film is good because he deserves to go far.



And I've already banged on about Buried, but watching the first eight minutes of the movie and then listening to its excitable, hilarious, self-deprecating director Rodrigo Cortés giggle with glee at how much shit he put Ryan Rodney Reynolds through to make this film just made me want to see it more.

Apart from all that, Chloe Moretz is a 30-year-old in a 13-year-old's body, Cary Elwes is a rogueish raconteur and Daniel Radcliffe is tiny and needs a haircut.

Then some guy proposed to his girlfriend on stage, everyone stood up to applaud, and in doing so I lost my pen and therefore failed to write anything else down, which I imagine comes as some relief.

Still more tomorrow!

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