Then we wouldn't have to put up with complete interest-vacuums like the one Alison Harper delivered from last weekend's FanFest event at the London Film Museum, in which she wittered with former comedy Bond villain and tragic actor clinging desperately to a single part he played in two films over thirty years ago Richard Kiel, forever known to an uncaring world as Jaws.
You can watch the report on the BBC's website here, although I don't advise that you do because your brains will trickle out of your nostrils at the sheer lack of any enlightening content. Here's a handy transcript of Ms Harper's opening pitch, in which she makes a curious statement:
Now, what exactly does she mean by that? That Jaws is one of her favourite, favourite James Bond films? Because it's not, strictly speaking, actually a Bond film is it? It's a film about a shark that doesn't feature James Bond, even in a cameo role.
Or does she mean that the James Bond film with Jaws in it was one of her favourite favourites? If it is, you'd think she'd be aware that he was in two Bond films, no? She later refers to Moonraker, firmly placing her in a certain subset of Bond "fans", so one can assume she hasn't seen The Spy Who Loved Me.
To be fair to Ms Harper she did have to put up with Kiel looming over her and creepily asking "Shall I bite you on the neck?" and referring to one of the rustiest nails in Roger Moore's Bond coffin by mentioning how, in Moonraker, he "had a girlfriend about your size". Sadly Alison responded to this last abysmal chat-up line by wiggling a lot and squealing "Oooh! That'd be wicked!"
And just watch her face drop as Richard starts banging on about some failure-destined cack he's about to start filming that not even she gives a toss about because he's only ever going to be Jaws and she's feeling slightly violated.
Anyway I don't wish to be mean and I wish Alison Harper all the best in her career, although it would be nice if she'd watch a few more Bond films, preferably some of the good ones.
As for Richard Kiel, good luck with your future career too. Here's the kind of quality you need to aim for to relive those golden years:
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