Adverts in the cinema, like income tax, fat on bacon and dark winter nights that start at 3.30pm, appear to be a necessary evil. Because I’m so insufferably anal that I turn up to the cinema about two hours before a film is due to start, I have to endure all those pretentious car ads and unfathomably incomprehensible marketing campaigns for perfume every single time I go. Most of the time I shut my eyes and try to meditate but it’s like trying to survive a shower of molten lava from a volcanic eruption by sheltering under a cocktail umbrella.Eventually the trailers start, I get all excited about films that are a year away and destined to be nowhere near as good as I’d been led to believe, then the trailers finish and I mentally prepare myself for that glorious moment: the beginning of what could potentially be the Greatest Motion Picture Ever Made.
And what happens? An Orange commercial with Mr Dresden and his “hilarious” sidekick Elliot happens, and I die a little inside. If it’s a new one I haven’t seen before that’s not so bad, but when you’ve seen that fat bloke shout “The chatty hunter!” at Patrick Swayze as many times as I have your soul eventually shrivels up like a raisin.
I tried to think how many there have been and came up with about five, then I did some actual research and was horrified. Patrick Swayze, Sean Astin, Roy Scheider, Val Kilmer, Darth Vader, Steven Seagal, Snoop Dogg, Rob Lowe, Carrie Fisher, Juliette Lewis, John Cleese, Emilio Estevez, Dennis Hopper, Macaulay Culkin, Angelica Huston, Michael Madsen, Spike Lee, Verne Troyer, Mena Suvari, Alan Cumming, Ewan McGregor and Daryl Hannah have all done one, and I’m sure there are more. I think Orange are working their way through every actor that ever lived, although hopefully they’ll stop before they get to Shia LaBeouf.Of course if you’re a balanced human being and you don’t go to the flicks every ten minutes you may have only seen each one a couple of times, or not at all, in which case you might think they’re quite good, you poor misguided sausage. But which is your favourite? Here are my top five*: watch them over the weekend, contemplate your position on the evolutionary ladder then vote over there on the right. If I’ve left off your favourite leave a comment and tell me. See what happens.
*Actually chosen at random. Top Five my arse.
To comment on this post, click here
"...although hopefully they’ll stop before they get to Shia LaBeouf."
ReplyDeleteHa ha ha ha!
Although look what happened to Swayze and Scheider post-Orange... maybe TheBeef could do one after all?
ReplyDeleteGotta be Cleese. "That's the funniest thing i ever heard, EVER!"
ReplyDeleteWanda, that's my favourite line too, but I'm leaning towards Seagal for the sheer self-mockery value...
ReplyDeleteActually, I'm pencilled in for after Christmas.
ReplyDeleteGood job I'll be on the other side of the world then!
ReplyDeleteSnoopy Dogg Dog, surely? It's the shizzle, as my old gran used to sizzle.
ReplyDeleteGood old Grazzle, did she razzle dazzle your fantasmagazzle?
ReplyDeleteOh I know the feeling. I go to the cinema about 3 times a week so have to suffer them constantly. the first time is OK, the second time is bearable, after that simply intolerable. The early ones at least tried to be funny, now they seem to have just given up. Check out the really terrible latest instalment with Sigourney Weaver
ReplyDeleteDuncan S
Oh god no. Do they make a joke over the end caption spoofing the line "Get away from her you bitch"?
ReplyDeleteNope. Its the most bizzare one yet, about her playing a snake queen in a movie thats only going to be shown in Spain. Maybe im getting old, but any references there were in it went right over my head
ReplyDeleteDuncan S