The Hurt Locker is a new film about a guy whose job it is to wander around Iraq defusing bloody great big bombs. It is neither very good nor very bad. In fact it's the kind of film the words "six out of ten" were made for. Now I realise that's not a particularly in-depth review, so for those of you who crave intelligent, considered opinion, here are some further observations, the like of which you would only find in something like Sight And Sound or The Observer:
• From various reviews and poster quotes I had been led to believe this film would have my nerves jangling like Jimmy Saville's jewellery. As a result I was unbearably tense for the first ten minutes, but only because I had been told I should be. Then I realised I didn't need to be, so I stopped. The rest of the film left me about as tense as a snail convention.
• It's shot 'documentary-style', which means all the cameras have faulty zoom controls that can't settle for more than a femtosecond without crashing in or out.
• The lead character is played by Jeremy Renner, who looks like a 4:3 picture of Daniel Craig, stretched to fill a 16:9 screen.
• Contrary to the film's title, there are no lockers to be seen anywhere within the movie. I have raised this with Trading Standards as I believe it to be a gross contravention of the Trade Descriptions Act 1968.
• The worst part of the film is that we are expected to believe that a man who is married to Kate from Lost would rather be risking his life every day in a sweaty hell-hole than staying indoors and making sexytime with his ladywife.
• The best part of the film is when a man wanders into a house waving a gun and says "I'm looking for the people responsible for Beckham". Not enough films feature scenes like this.
From scouring the interwebs, it seems I’m the only person not to believe that The Hurt Locker is an event of similar amazitude to the advent of unaided human flight or the invention of a brainwave-operated toaster. I suppose this makes The Incredible Suit either very special or very stupid. You decide.
To comment on this post, click here