Dominic West's Penis Inspires Ridiculous Competition

Those of you who breathlessly follow my every tweet will have already seen this still from forthcoming extended episode of Jonathan Creek British ghost story The Awakening, which I posted on Twitter the other day and which appears to have been created with the sole purpose of giving people something upon which to superimpose a cock:

I tweeted it because I wanted to see what the twisted hive mind of Twitter might do with it given the opportunity and a few spare minutes with Photoshop (other picture-modifying software is available). I was flooded with responses, by which I mean I had one response, from HeyUGuys Big Cheese Jon Lyus, who took the whole "photoshopping a cock onto a movie still" brief and rammed it up its own arse:

While Jon's image is more terrifying than anything that happens in The Awakening, I still can't help but feel that there are many of you out there hiding your light under Garry Bushell.

So I've decided to offer a loft-clutteringly huge prize to the creator of the most fabulously bastardised version of the original still that gets dumped into my inbox. There are no rules, your entry doesn't have to be penisy, just let your creative juices spurt freely. Here's what you could win (dining room table not included):

I realise that may look suspiciously like a bunch of random tat I found lying about the house, but it is in fact:

• A pair of Harry Potter 3D glasses
• DVDs of Charlie Chaplin's Monsier Verdoux, A Woman In Paris and A King In New York
• DVDs of Kill Speed (starring the Backstreet Boys' Nick Carter) and Kung Fu Panda
• A blue silk Rolling Stones scarf
• Issues 1-3 of The Crazies, whatever that is
• Issue 1 of CLiNT magazine, which might be worth something one day but probably not
• A never-been-worn The Amazing Spider-Man t-shirt (size small, but would fit a medium I reckon)
• A couple of random postcards
• A Nicolas Cage face mask, ideal for wearing while watching Face/Off

Now if that's not a prize worth fighting for I don't know what is. Email your efforts to me here before, I don't know, next Thursday or something and I'll announce a winner soon after and post it on this very blog right here for all the world to marvel at. OK? Go!

How To Promote A Film Via Sartorial Sloppiness

The 55th BFI London Film Festival Starts Today! Or, More Realistically, Tomorrow

It's October 12th, and according to the BFI that means it must be the first day of the London Film Festival. Of course what it actually means is that it's only the first day of the London Film Festival if you're going to the Opening Gala screening of 360 tonight, because that's the only thing showing today, and chances are you're not. I'm not either so don't be sad.

Tomorrow at 11am though, French pregnancyfest 17 Girls will become the first of over 300 films to screen for normal people at this year's event, and for the next two weeks London's Southbank and Leicester Square will be full of pasty cinema-dwellers snarfing the BFI Benugo bar's famous pints of sausage rolls and clogging up the tourist routes with beards and notebooks.

This year's press screenings have been in full swing for a couple of weeks now and so far I've managed to catch considerably fewer than the 55 I recommended, but enough to know that recommending 55 films I haven't seen isn't necessarily a great idea.

Let The Bullets Fly

Nevertheless, I'll be reporting my findings in a haphazard and rambling fashion throughout the festival until I run out of words or readers, whichever comes first.

In the meantime, take my advice for once and camp out overnight for standby tickets for The Artist. You'll be glad you did, unless you don't get tickets or get hypothermia or get mugged. But that won't be my fault.

This Is What Happens When You Don't Read The Incredible Suit

The Problem

Source: The Hollywood Reporter, October 8 2011

The Solution

Source: The Incredible Suit, September 19 2011

If you care at all about the people you love, please tell them to read The Incredible Suit. Now proven to save time, money, disappointment and expensive legal proceedings.

Tiny Birthday Nipples

Charles Dance is 65 today. He was in that James Bond film and also that one with the aliens and the bald lady. For more amazing Charles Dancing, why not have a look at Mary's Charles Dance Homepage, which features possibly the greatest ever quote by an actor to a fan:

"I'm honoured that you should have established a web site on me"

- Charles Dance, 1998

Not only that but you can also play a virtual version of that game where you slide tiles around to unscramble a picture. I don't know what they're called.

Happy Birthday Chuck!

This Is Actually A Thing

I'm just popping into the shed. Please come and fetch me when all this has gone away.

Drew Struzan: Oeuvre

Just over a year ago, Titan Books published The Art Of Drew Struzan, a beautiful book full of posters by the man who made every movie for which he designed a poster at least 119% better.

As it turns out The Art Of Drew Struzan was merely the underwear section of the Kays catalogue compared to the full-on hardcore poster porn that is Oeuvre, 300 pages of wipe-clean beauty with minimal but relevant text (written by Struzan's wife, Dylan) and over 250 single, double and triple page spreads of his greatest works. Yes, some of them are also in the previous book, but if you bought that you'll still want to own Oeuvre. Here are five reasons why:

All Struzan's greatest movie posters are in here, and some of them fold out, like this Back To The Future spread that literally made my pants explode.

Ouevre also features plenty of Struzan's more obscure film work, such as these posters for 1983 jockey biopic (they hadn't yet coined the now-familiar contraction 'bijockip') Champions and Ed Harris-starring WWII caper Code Name: Emerald (me neither).

Struzan's Star Wars work extends into the Expanded Universe, and much of that is in here too. This one is for The Courtship Of Princess Leia, the synopsis of which I've just read on Wikipedia and have yet to stop laughing.

I don't know about you but I had no idea Drew Struzan had designed two Princess Diana collectors' plates. The one on the left is called "Princess Of Hope" and the one on the right is called "Princess Who Just Audibly Broke Wind In Public". I made one of those up.

At the back of the book is a collection of Struzan's personal artwork, which largely consists of nudes and children. Be advised, therefore, that reading this section on the bus may get you arrested.

Flippant piffle aside, Oeuvre is an astonishing collection and I can't recommend it highly enough. It's published by Titan Books on October 14th at the ludicrously good value RRP of £29.99, but you can get it for less than nineteen quid at Amazon, meaning it would actually cost you not to buy it.