Thirteen - thirteen! - films I'll be giving a shit about in January

BIRDMAN

I can confirm, like pretty much every sane human being on Earth, that Birdman is definitely worth giving a shit about. It's got some of the best superhero-actors-being-peculiar-in-their-pants scenes I've ever witnessed, and I've witnessed loads, although none spring to mind at this particular moment in time. Anyway here's my review. (1st)

THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING

I love me a bit of Eddie Reddie, and Felicity Jones is fast becoming one of my favourite human beings ever to walk the planet. Also this Stephen Hawking guy looks like he might be interesting. Mainly Felicity Jones though. (1st)

ENEMY

I didn't really go a bundle on Denis Villeneuve's last project with Jake Gyllenhaal, Prisoners, but it intrigued me enough to want to check out this mad-looking double helping of J-Gyllz. Here's hoping it's more The Man Who Haunted Himself and less Double Impact. (I've never seen Double Impact) (2nd)

FOXCATCHER

Another film I already gave a shit about. It's long and slow but deeply unsettling, plus you'll have to watch it if you want to know what all the fuss is about come Oscar o'clock. (9th)

INTO THE WOODS

I'm confident that Rob Marshall has another Chicago in him, despite there being nothing in his filmography to support that argument. This can't be worse than Nine though, right? Right? (9th)

AMERICAN SNIPER

Show me Bradley Cooper doing all the acting faces and I'll show you a handful of cash which I will give you in return for a ticket to see this film. Assuming you work at a cinema box office, that is. Otherwise things just get complicated. (16th)

WHIPLASH

I've seen this too, aren't I tedious? It's not without its flaws but it's probably my favourite film of the year so far. (16th)

BEYOND CLUELESS

I paid cold hard cash (not much, in all honesty) to help get this teen flicks doc made, so I'm pleased to report that it's ridiculously entertaining and will make you want to watch every film it mentions as soon as it ends. Also director Charlie Lyne all but stopped writing his film blog so he could make this film, so I'm grateful for any traffic I've inherited. (23rd)

EX_MACHINA

Oscar Isaac is my new jam. People still say "x is my new jam" in 2015, don't they? Oh god I'm so old and embarrassingly out of touch. (21st)

MORTDECAI

No, this is definitely not another Johnny English. No, I think you'll find moustaches are funny. Yes, Johnny Depp doing a silly accent is definitely still a thing. No YOU shut up. (23rd)

A MOST VIOLENT YEAR

Oscar Isaac is the sodium in my semen. You'll all be using that phrase later this year, you just don't know it yet. Fortunately I'm massively ahead of the curve on these things. (23rd)

KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE

Huge congrats to Matthew Vaughn for seeing a film through from beginning to end! I look forward to him developing the sequel then walking away to direct a Star Wars. (29th)

BIG HERO 6

Later in today's programme, we'll be showing you how you can make your own Baymax using just a handful of condoms, a few elastic bands and your mum's mascara. But first, the story of Kevin, the puppy with the purple poo! (30th)

Note: in no way will I be giving any shits at all about Inherent Vice.