Wednesday, 20 April 2011

Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Warrior But Were Afraid To Ask Because It Looks A Bit Rubbs

September sees the uneagerly awaited release of Warrior, a film about something or other starring some people. Nobody knows anything about it yet, but fortunately there's already a trailer "doing the rounds" that tells us everything we need to know about it. And as luck would have it, here it comes now:

So what can we glean from that? Let's take a closer look, shall we? Yes, we shall.

Warrior is about men who do manly things, like performing violent but acrobatic acts of fellatio on each other in a cage while a fat man in a bow tie watches.

Not really, it's about men who beat the shit out of each other. That sepia photo in the background is of a warrior who, in a particularly brutal fight, almost had his moustache punched right off his face.

Let's just pause for a moment to remember the director's last great movie. What do you mean, "never heard of it"? But its tagline was:

What America needed was a miracle.
What it got was a hockey game.

No? Honestly, you philistines.

This shot is from either a Rocky-esque training montage set to the rousing power chords of an inspirational rock anthem, or a scene where the hero is chased down the road by a king size bed. I so hope it's the latter.

Speaking of threatening inanimate objects, Warrior features a cameo from Robert, the tyre from Rubber, as "tyre". He bulked up quite a bit for this part.

Tom Hardy's got a stupid haircut and I would absolutely say that to his face.

Actually I probably wouldn't.

If I were a lesser man (or ShortList magazine) I'd put something here like "Dave got as far as track 2 of the new Justin Bieber album". But I'm not going to do that. No way. I'm better than that.

Dave and Dave suddenly realised their true feelings for each other.

"You boys may've been in Animal Kingdom and Inception, but where's your 'Academy Award® Nominee' prefix, huh? I'M NICK NOLTE, THE PRINCE OF TIDES, BITCHES!"

So now you know. Glad to be of service.

1 comment :

  1. That was a hilarious read! You just made this bland, Rocky-esque-regurgitation-of-a-film come across as comedy gold.