Realistic Intestines

It’s my birthday soon, viewers. I’ve been struggling to think what I want, but the search is officially over. Not only is this the only thing I want for my birthday, it’s the only thing I want full stop. If I had this I’d burn all my other possessions. It’s all they deserve for being so utterly inferior to this truly, truly awesome product. By far its most fantastic feature is its realistic intestines.

Thanks to thinkgeek.com for being the second greatest website in the world.

Tauntaun Sleeping Bag

If you’re looking at this thinking: “That’s it. The Incredible Suit has finally started coming apart at the seams”, you’re probably unfamiliar with The Empire Strikes Back, one of only 15 pure and perfect films ever made. Firstly: you poor, poor wretch. Secondly:

And while we’re in a Star Wars frame of mind, and seeing as it’s Friday, here’s something so unspeakably brilliant that you’ll start to hate weekends because The Incredible Suit isn’t there to pump Friday goodness directly into your happysockets:



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Nipple-Twistingly Insane Camera Moves

Watch this. It’s brilliant.

Good news, everyone! Martin Scorsese is making an unashamedly audience-friendly popcorn thriller. I’m excited about that even though the last time he did it the result was The Departed, which deserved its Oscars about as much as The Incredible Suit deserves to be awarded ‘Best Russian Dumpling Recipe of the Year’.

Much has been made over Marty’s inability to win an Oscar until The Departed, which made that win a clangingly hollow one, as it was startlingly average. If I was him I would have shoved the award firmly up the Academy’s collective poopchute and asked that it only be returned when the words “Whoops, in 1991 we meant GoodFellas, not Dances With Wolves, silly us!” had been engraved on it. And it had been thoroughly cleaned and sterilised.

In actual fact it has been scientifically proven in a poll carried out exclusively for The Incredible Suit, by The Incredible Suit, of The Incredible Suit, that Martin Marcantonio Luciano Scorsese hasn’t actually made a great film since GoodFellas, so each new one carries the weight of expectation around its shoulders like a rucksack full of photocopiers.

Anyway, Shutter Island looks like it might be a cracking psychological / supernatural nuttyfest, even though it does star Leonardo DiCaprio and his big, constipated face. Somebody get that man a laxative mint before he bursts! At the very least it’ll look lovely and have some nipple-twistingly insane camera moves, which Marty does so well.

The infuriating thing about Shutter Island is that it was supposed to be released this week, but has been unceremoniously booted back to February because, according to Paramount CEO Brad Bigbucks: “Our 2009 slate was greenlit in a very different economic climate and as a result we must remain flexible and willing to recalibrate and adapt to a changing environment.”

I haven’t got the faintest idea what that means but I’m remaining philosophical because Up and Le Donk & Scor-zay-zee (the irony!) are both released this week, and if I’d had to squeeze Shutter Island in as well I would have had to move in to the cinema and they don’t like it when I do that. Something about how going to the bathroom before I get dressed upsets the customers.

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Silence, Pipsqueak!

The Earth stopped rotating for a brief moment earlier today when this newsparp was uncorked: there’s going to be a new National Lampoon’s Vacation movie.

Remember the National Lampoon’s Vacation movies? Not very good were they? There were about four of them and some more that were made for TV (that’s how good they were), and were a showcase for the great Chevy Chase to hide his comedy talent behind a big wall made of humourless bricks, held together with papier mache made from old Christmas cracker jokes and Russ Abbot's saliva.

The hilarity-free premise is that the new films will centre on Chase’s character’s son Rusty Griswold, and Empire reports that “there will reportedly be "room" for Chase and his screen wife Beverly D'Angelo to appear as the Griswold grandparents.” I’m not sure why the word ‘room’ is in quotes; perhaps it’s a get-out clause whereby they can later say “when we said ‘room’, we obviously meant ‘absolutely no chance in Hell.’”

So how does a non-idea like this come about? Well, you may be surprised to hear that The Incredible Suit has eyes and ears all over the movie industry, and I can exclusively bring you the transcript of the very meeting in which this winnit of an idea was untangled from the bum hairs of Hollywood:

An impoverished screenwriter enters the office of a studio bignob, and is forced to spend the duration of the meeting on his knees. He is forbidden from looking the bignob in the eye (if you’ll forgive the expression).

Screenwriter: “Please sir, I’ve cobbled together a script for a comedy. It’s a bit like those National Lampoon’s Vacation films, only not as good. In fact it’s rubbish.”

Bignob: “Silence, pipsqueak! Leave it to me, we’ll slap the National Lampoon name on it, offer Chevy Chase a one-scene cameo – he’ll take anything these days – and people will flock to see it like idiot sheep attending an idiot sheep convention!”

Screenwriter: “Oh, sir, what a splendid idea! It’ll make a fortune and I can finally buy some shoes!”

Bignob: “Silence, pipsqueak! I’ll be the one trousering the cash, thankyou! Now bugger off back to your one-room bedsit with the bucket-toilet. Your rats must need feeding.”

And with that the screenwriter shuffles backwards on his knees out of the office, keeping his head bowed. As he is ejected onto the street by a burly security guard, a single tear falls from his filthy face onto his bare foot. It’s the only wash he can afford.

So, when the new National Lampoon’s Vacation movie comes out, do make sure you go and see it, for your hard-earned cash will keep the wheels of Hollywood greased and turning so that more films of this quality can be made. Hooray!

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SHEER STAGGERING EXTREMENESS!!!

Next year’s SUMMER BLOCKBUSTER season includes EPIC ACTION in the EXPLOSIVE THE A-TEAM, with THRILLS, EXCITEMENT and ADVENTURE as four HARDENED RENEGADES ON THE RUN from the military FIGHT for justice and BLOW STUFF UP at EAR-SPLITTING VOLUME!!!

With AWESOME STUNTS, EXHILARATING CHASES and EYE-POPPING AMAZITUDE in every frame, you’ll be BLOWN AWAY by this BREATHTAKING EXTRAVAGASM!!!

Just leaked onto the internet is this INCREDIBLE shot of the A-Team IN FULL EFFECT!!! Be careful your EYES don’t BURST with the SHEER STAGGERING EXTREMENESS contained within!!!

Left to right: MARTIAL ARTIST and ULTIMATE FIGHTING CHAMPION Quinton “RAMPAGE” Jackson as B.A. “BAD ATTITUDE” BARACUS!!!

LEGENDARY HARD MAN and JEDI KNIGHT Liam Neeson as JOHN “HANNIBAL” SMITH!!!

District 9’s HOT NEW STAR Sharlto Copley as HOWLIN’ MAD MURDOCK!!!

And HOLLYWOOD HEARTTHROB Bradley Cooper as TEMPLETON “FACEMAN” PECK!!!






Wait for it...







Here it comes...

WOO HOOOOO!!!!

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Dawson's Creek Fridge Magnet

Yesterday I went to a car boot sale with three other people, one of whom suggested a competition: whoever could buy the best movie-related item for 50 pence or less would win.

I bought this for 20 pence:

Which pretty much screams Gorillas In The Mist, I think you'll agree. Apart from the mist, obviously. Also I think they might be chimpanzees rather than gorillas, but you get the idea. However I was beaten by a Dawson's Creek fridge magnet.

How does something like that happen?

I also bought this LP for a pound:

It wasn't worth it.

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Incredibly Witty And Incisive

Aaaaaaaaages ago, I made an incredibly witty and incisive post about the misery and grief caused by unnecessary remakes. You can click here to read it, but if the thought of reading a whole other post of this drivel fills you with unremitting dread, I basically suggested that remakes are being made so soon after the original these days that it’s only a matter of time before the remake is made first, and the original, better version made later. It makes more sense in the old post, I promise*.

Anyway it turns out, not for the first time, that I was absolutely right. In fact there have already been dreadful ‘retro-makes’ of several classic modern movies, as I discovered browsing YouTube recently when I was supposed to be doing something more productive, like the job I’m paid for.

So here, for your Friday viewing pleasure, are trailers for retro-makes (they’re called pre-makes on YouTube, which I grudgingly admit is cleverer) of two 1980s movies of distinction. Do enjoy them now won’t you!





Thanks to whoiseyevan for the videos!

*Promise not legally binding

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A Week-Old Potato Peeling

Youse guyses have well and truly soiled Patrick Swayze’s memory by ditching his Orange ad in favour of John Cleese’s as the least irritating, like, ever. I hope you’re happy. Incidentally word reaches The Incredible Suit from the mysterious ‘Duncan S’ of a new Orange cackommercial featuring Sigourney Weaver apparently “playing a snake queen in a movie that’s only going to be shown in Spain”, which sounds like the funniest thing I’ve ever heard ever.

In unrelated twaddlism, yesterday I proposed Blood And Thunder as the title of the new James Bond film, which was almost certainly an exercise in pointlessness if ever there was one. But The Incredible Suit exists only to pleasure its viewers, so tell me: what do you think of Blood And Thunder as a Bond title? Does it make you want to soar over the rooftops in unbridled joy, or does it make you weep uncontrollably until your very being shrivels up like a week-old potato peeling? Or, most likely, do you just not care? Vote now! Or go out and live your life. Either is fine with me.

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