Thursday, 8 October 2009

Nipple-Twistingly Insane Camera Moves

Watch this. It’s brilliant.

Good news, everyone! Martin Scorsese is making an unashamedly audience-friendly popcorn thriller. I’m excited about that even though the last time he did it the result was The Departed, which deserved its Oscars about as much as The Incredible Suit deserves to be awarded ‘Best Russian Dumpling Recipe of the Year’.

Much has been made over Marty’s inability to win an Oscar until The Departed, which made that win a clangingly hollow one, as it was startlingly average. If I was him I would have shoved the award firmly up the Academy’s collective poopchute and asked that it only be returned when the words “Whoops, in 1991 we meant GoodFellas, not Dances With Wolves, silly us!” had been engraved on it. And it had been thoroughly cleaned and sterilised.

In actual fact it has been scientifically proven in a poll carried out exclusively for The Incredible Suit, by The Incredible Suit, of The Incredible Suit, that Martin Marcantonio Luciano Scorsese hasn’t actually made a great film since GoodFellas, so each new one carries the weight of expectation around its shoulders like a rucksack full of photocopiers.

Anyway, Shutter Island looks like it might be a cracking psychological / supernatural nuttyfest, even though it does star Leonardo DiCaprio and his big, constipated face. Somebody get that man a laxative mint before he bursts! At the very least it’ll look lovely and have some nipple-twistingly insane camera moves, which Marty does so well.

The infuriating thing about Shutter Island is that it was supposed to be released this week, but has been unceremoniously booted back to February because, according to Paramount CEO Brad Bigbucks: “Our 2009 slate was greenlit in a very different economic climate and as a result we must remain flexible and willing to recalibrate and adapt to a changing environment.”

I haven’t got the faintest idea what that means but I’m remaining philosophical because Up and Le Donk & Scor-zay-zee (the irony!) are both released this week, and if I’d had to squeeze Shutter Island in as well I would have had to move in to the cinema and they don’t like it when I do that. Something about how going to the bathroom before I get dressed upsets the customers.

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  1. I have been locked up in Holloway women's prison and what used to be called Broadmoor Criminal Lunatic Asylum in the morning and afternoon of the same day when a Newsgathering cameraman for Thames News. Holloway was memorable for the crew's walk through the inner courtyard and the voices from the cells suggesting ways of entertaining us that gave me an inkling of what women put up with when passing building sites or leery pub crowds.

    Broadmoor was memorable for the chief medical officer who looked at us and said with a wicked grin "So, you are under the delusion that you are a TV crew". Luckily no Ben Kingsley character appeared with straight jackets and syringes.

  2. By the way, friends of Dorothy never cause trouble in institutions and never need restraining. I believe this to be true because I've often seen Straight Jackets employed but I've yet to see anyone in a Gay Jacket.

  3. Greenlit = was gived green light = given go ahead. I understand you difficulty because on your studio camera the red light is the cue to the presenter to go ahead. This is all made clear by two businesses in the field "We are able to provide a full production service from initial concept though storyboard to final delivery for any platform." (Why do they do only rail and tube stations?)and "an ideas driven company, which focuses on building relationships with like-minded creative individuals" (I suppose they mean those who prefer a green light).