I think it's only fair that if you're involved in the production, distribution, sale or purchase of DVDs like these, which are clearly designed to fool idiots into thinking they're getting Robin Hood (with added dragons), Iron Man or 2012, then you should be strapped into a dentist's chair with flaming cocktail sticks propping your eyelids open and made to watch Iron Hero (US title: Metal Man) on a loop for the rest of time while a hungry kitten nibbles away at your most delicate areas, which have been smeared with fish paste, and footage of all this taking place should be broadcast live on BBC1 instead of Strictly Come Dancing.
The other week the internets brought us a shedload of new photos from Robin Hood, all of which were possibly the most boring promotional material anyone's ever farted out in the hope of conning people into seeing an obviously crap film.
This kind of thing happens all the time and The Incredible Suit is sick of it, so I came up with a Nobel Prize-winning idea to make new promo stills more exciting. Here's the skinny:
Take a selection of dull images from a new movie
Find the nearest copy of morally indefensible craprag and occasional 'news'paper The Sun
Take the text from Deidre's Photo Casebook and add it to the movie stills
Well if there’s one thing that Movie Santa delved deep into his sack for over Christmas, it’s a sleighload of trailers for filmy delights we can look forward to, or look forward to ignoring, over 2010. Let’s have a look at some of them together, shall we?
Everything inside me tells me this is going to be so awful that I’d rather have carnal relations with Medusa, but this trailer’s quite good isn’t it? I can’t be doing with all that rock music, and I think they’ve blown it by showing the Kraken, but this looks like silly fabness on toast to me.
I can take or leave the first one, but Iron Man 2, or Iron 2 Man as it appears to be called at the end of the trailer, looks like it might be taking things a bit more seriously. Let’s hope it’s more Spider-Man 2 than The Dark Knight, eh? Oooh, controversial.
It’s Gladiator 2, set in the East Midlands! Groovy. I can’t bear Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott doesn’t do it for me any more, but I’ll go and see this because you have to go and see a new Ridders film, it’s the law. Rubbish trailer though.
New Tim Burton films must also be seen by law despite their decreasing quality levels, although this one actually looks quite spectacular. In a hallucinogenic acid trip kind of way. I imagine.
Cruise and Diaz are slowly edging away from ‘must-see’ to ‘barely tolerable’, but this looks like a big pair of funbags with cherries on top. And no, I’m not referring to Cameron Diaz’s hooters.
I don’t know what in the name of John McClane is going on here. Bruce Willis appears to have regressed to Hudson Hawk levels of comedy, and that other guy, who seems to be called Tracy, is about as funny as medieval methods of haemorrhoid removal. Has Kevin Smith made a good film since Clerks? No.
John Cusack! Time travel! The 1980s! Chevy Chase! What’s not to love? Nothing, that’s what. Best film of 2010. That’s a cast-iron The Incredible Suit guarantee.
OK, so obviously this is clearly going to be the best film of 2010. I never said the Hot Tub Time Machine guarantee was cast iron, did I? I did? Oh. Well forget it. Inception is going to be a mind-blowing cake with brain-frazzling icing and hundreds and thousands made of tiny shards of holy crap that's amazingness. That’s a cast-iron The Incredible Suit guarantee.
