How To Shift More DVDs: Attach A Stupid Sticker

Apparently, people who buy DVDs know absolutely nothing about the film they're paying for. They just blindly stumble into shops, desperate to spend their cash on something, anything, armed with no information about the myriad films on offer. They need all the help they can get deciding what to buy, and this is why DVDs have little stickers attached to them to provide that extra nugget of incentive to pick one product over another in a competitive market.

I say, this "The Terminator" looks good - oh hang on, it's from the director of Avatar. The last thing I need is another twelve-hour festival of crap starring the Blue Man Group. Back on the shelf it goes. Ooh look, Hot Shots!

I don't know what this sticker's trying to tell me. "For Die Hard Fans Only"? Die hard fans of what? Cop Out? Bruce Willis? Tracy Morgan, whoever she is? Or do they mean "For fans of the film Die Hard only", in which case do I have to prove my love of Die Hard at the till along with my age? Oh hang on, it's £10.97. Back on the shelf it goes.

You know what, after the most awful week at work, all the terrible tragedies I've suffered lately and that traumatic experience with the ventriloquist's doll, I could really do with a good laugh. This looks ideal!

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A Big Pair Of Funbags With Cherries On Top

Well if there’s one thing that Movie Santa delved deep into his sack for over Christmas, it’s a sleighload of trailers for filmy delights we can look forward to, or look forward to ignoring, over 2010. Let’s have a look at some of them together, shall we?

Clash Of The Titans

Everything inside me tells me this is going to be so awful that I’d rather have carnal relations with Medusa, but this trailer’s quite good isn’t it? I can’t be doing with all that rock music, and I think they’ve blown it by showing the Kraken, but this looks like silly fabness on toast to me.

Iron Man 2

I can take or leave the first one, but Iron Man 2, or Iron 2 Man as it appears to be called at the end of the trailer, looks like it might be taking things a bit more seriously. Let’s hope it’s more Spider-Man 2 than The Dark Knight, eh? Oooh, controversial.

Robin Hood

It’s Gladiator 2, set in the East Midlands! Groovy. I can’t bear Russell Crowe and Ridley Scott doesn’t do it for me any more, but I’ll go and see this because you have to go and see a new Ridders film, it’s the law. Rubbish trailer though.

Alice In Wonderland

New Tim Burton films must also be seen by law despite their decreasing quality levels, although this one actually looks quite spectacular. In a hallucinogenic acid trip kind of way. I imagine.

Knight & Day

Cruise and Diaz are slowly edging away from ‘must-see’ to ‘barely tolerable’, but this looks like a big pair of funbags with cherries on top. And no, I’m not referring to Cameron Diaz’s hooters.

Cop Out

I don’t know what in the name of John McClane is going on here. Bruce Willis appears to have regressed to Hudson Hawk levels of comedy, and that other guy, who seems to be called Tracy, is about as funny as medieval methods of haemorrhoid removal. Has Kevin Smith made a good film since Clerks? No.

Hot Tub Time Machine

John Cusack! Time travel! The 1980s! Chevy Chase! What’s not to love? Nothing, that’s what. Best film of 2010. That’s a cast-iron The Incredible Suit guarantee.

Inception

OK, so obviously this is clearly going to be the best film of 2010. I never said the Hot Tub Time Machine guarantee was cast iron, did I? I did? Oh. Well forget it. Inception is going to be a mind-blowing cake with brain-frazzling icing and hundreds and thousands made of tiny shards of holy crap that's amazingness. That’s a cast-iron The Incredible Suit guarantee.

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