Mary Ellen Trainor: Queen Of The '80s

Are you making a big, exciting Hollywood movie? Is it the 1980s? In the unlikely event that you answered "Yes" to both questions, then you know what you need? A lucky charm; a talisperson of success; that one elusive ingredient to ensure your film turns out to be a classic for the ages. You need the Queen of the Eighties. You need...

Mary's place in the movie world cannot be underestimated. She blessed so many 1980s films with her apparently incidental but inestimably important characters, either imparting crucial exposition, acting as a pivotal plot device or just being someone who gave birth to Josh Brolin. Let's take a closer look, shall we? No? Your loss.

Romancing The Stone (1984)

Mary's first movie role is as Elaine, kidnapped sister of Kathleen Turner and catalyst for the entire plot. She might be a useless fainting damsel but without her Jack Colton and Joan Wilder would never have met, and for that, the world owes her big. Of course there would also have been no The Jewel Of The Nile, but let's gloss over that for now.

The Goonies (1985)

Without Mrs Walsh there would be no Mikey and no Brand, ergo no Goonies. There would also have been no opportunity for Mouth to warn Rosalita about Mr Walsh's SEXUAL TORTURE DEVICES.

Lethal Weapon (1987)

Is Riggs as mad as a phone box full of badgers? Dr Stephanie Woods certainly thinks so. "I think he's on the edge. I think Riggs has a death wish", she tells Roger Murtaugh on his side-splittingly massive mobile phone. And zingbamboom, now we know he's A COP ON THE EDGE and we JUST DON'T KNOW HOW FAR HE'LL GO to GET RESULTS. Cheers Doc!

Die Hard (1988)

Before introducing Dr Hasseldorf, author of "Hostage Terrorist, Terrorist Hostage: A Study In Duality", newsreader Gail Wallens helpfully fills in the identity of the smooth maniac with the John Phillips suits as none other than Hans Gruber, a terrorist recently expelled from the radical West German Volksfrei movement, whatever that is. I bet she also knows where Helsinki is, unlike that idiot hole Harvey.
Fact! Mary reprised her role as Gail Wallens in Denzel Washington's unmemorable Ricochet. That's the kind of character crossover excitement Marvel can only dream of.

Scrooged (1988)

As unlikely monikered member of the IBC board 'Ted', Mary's job essentially extends to giving Bill Murray a newspaper and telling him he might be overstepping the line with his death-inducing commercials, just in case we didn't realise he was a complete bastard. Hardly vintage Trainor, it has to be said.

Ghostbusters II (1989)

It's five years later. Are the Ghostbusters still in business? Doesn't look like it, as Mell-Tray appears to be hiring them to entertain a party of ten-year-old shits. Five years explained in one scene thanks to one woman. God Mary we love you.

Back To The Future Part II (1989)

A cheeky cameo for Mary as Officer Reese, whose job is to make sure we know the McFlys (McFlies?) have buggered up their future by living in Hilldale, "nothing but a breeding ground for tranks, lobos and zipheads".
More fact! The reason Mary bookended her 1980s with two great Robert Zemeckis films may be because she was none other than Mrs Robert Zemeckis. Which is surprising because I thought she must have been having it off with Richard Donner what with being in six of his films and all. Shows what I know.

Mary also performed almost-certainly-essential roles in Monster Squad and Action Jackson, but I haven't seen either of them. I'm not a machine you know.

Al Leong: A Life In Henching

Following his brief appearance as Bob Genghis Kahn in this post, I thought it was time to give ass-kicking deliverer and generic Asian henchman Al Leong his very own post to hang on his wall and show to his grandchildren.

Al was born a while ago somewhere or other, and immediately became the go-to-guy for lazy casting directors looking for shifty oriental types. However, his ability to forget more about dispensing pain than you and I will ever know soon earned him roles in all manner of '80s and '90s actiongasms at both ends of the quality spectrum. A glance at some of his character names gives you some idea of the kind of range he could play:

I'm not sure what happened with that last one. It was in a 1983 film called Off The Wall, which was headlined by the box office gold double-whammy of Paul Sorvino and Patrick Cassidy. I haven't seen it but I'm reasonably sure that Al Leong as a cheerleader is the best thing in it.

While Al henched his way through timeless classics like Lethal Weapon, Big Trouble In Little China and Action Jackson, the zenith of his career came in 1988 when he played Die Hard's shifty Asian henchman Uli, described with admiration on the IMDb as a "quiet but efficient terrorist". Like so many of Al's characters, Uli was brutally slain by a wisecracking cop, but not before he brought a touching new dimension of humanity to the oft-misunderstood role of the mindless killer-for-hire by filching a Nestlé Crunch Bar while waiting to kill more cops.

At 58 years old, Al is now a little wizened old shifty Asian henchman, but is still rocking the hair / moustache / beard combo that gave him his magical powers back in the day. He lives solely on a diet of Nestlé Crunch Bars, of which he received a lifetime's supply for his work in Die Hard, and is rumoured to be returning to our screens in 2012 in the no-doubt-Oscar-winning thriller Take Back, which will apparently see him team up with '80s ass-kicking, throat-ripping legends Dolph Lundgren, Mr T and Julie Andrews. And that is a film that cannot come soon enough.

This has been a completely random, poorly researched, occasionally incorrect biographical post from The Incredible Suit. Thank you for listening.

How To Shift More DVDs: Attach A Stupid Sticker

Apparently, people who buy DVDs know absolutely nothing about the film they're paying for. They just blindly stumble into shops, desperate to spend their cash on something, anything, armed with no information about the myriad films on offer. They need all the help they can get deciding what to buy, and this is why DVDs have little stickers attached to them to provide that extra nugget of incentive to pick one product over another in a competitive market.

I say, this "The Terminator" looks good - oh hang on, it's from the director of Avatar. The last thing I need is another twelve-hour festival of crap starring the Blue Man Group. Back on the shelf it goes. Ooh look, Hot Shots!

I don't know what this sticker's trying to tell me. "For Die Hard Fans Only"? Die hard fans of what? Cop Out? Bruce Willis? Tracy Morgan, whoever she is? Or do they mean "For fans of the film Die Hard only", in which case do I have to prove my love of Die Hard at the till along with my age? Oh hang on, it's £10.97. Back on the shelf it goes.

You know what, after the most awful week at work, all the terrible tragedies I've suffered lately and that traumatic experience with the ventriloquist's doll, I could really do with a good laugh. This looks ideal!

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Last Week In "Terrible Movie News" Shocker

If you thought last week's 2011 preview was a bit, well, previous, then let me just give you a glimpse of the world we currently live in, and hopefully you'll understand why The Incredible Suit felt the need to be uncharacteristically upbeat about the future.

In the last seven days alone, I was faced with the following news stories:

Remember Tom Cruise as a fat, hairy, sweary film producer in Tropic Thunder? Not very funny was it? Nevertheless, Paramount are planning to make an entire film about him. Nobody asked for this. NOBODY.

Sequels and reboots that are about as welcome as a turd in your porridge are not only being announced almost daily, but are apparently being given titles by people with the creative skills of a full nappy. Apparently Die Hard 24/7 was originally to be a Die Hard / 24 crossover. Thankfully that idea has been flushed away, but the title remains like a lingering stench that requires a window to be opened, sharpish.

Undaunted by the catastrophic Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, plans are afoot for a fifth geriatric shuffle for the once-great hero. The Bermuda Triangle angle has since been denied, but the only way I'll see this is if they call it Indiana Jones And The Incredible Suit. Which is unlikely.

I can't even be bothered to waste my fingers typing anything about a Fantastic Four reboot.

I haven't seen any of Joe Carnahan's films; for all I know he's the next Alfred Hitchcock. That's not the point. Preacher is an amazing comic that will never be done justice as a film. It's like doing 2001: A Space Odyssey as a half-hour sitcom. STOP THIS MADNESS NOW.

Having absorbed this cackstorm of awfulness, I was about to impale myself on a sharpened toilet roll holder when news came through of a new Toy Story 3 viral clip and a preview clip of the new series of Futurama. That'll cheer me up, I thought. This is what I got:

That's just racism.

And then, just when I thought things couldn't get any worse, I found out that Jackie Chan has grown a ridiculous moustache.

Who do you turn to?

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Pop Quiz, Hotshots

OK youse guys, let's see if you know your movies. Here's a series of events that happen in a specific film. All you have to do is name the film:

Did you get it? Of course you did. Everything described above happens in The Marine 2, the film The Incredible Suit challenged itself to watch after seeing this, and which, it should be noted, does not carry the disclaimer "Any resemblance to Die Hard is unintentional and purely coincidental".

And while Die Hard might have the edge in terms of a clever, witty script, memorable characters, excellently choreographed fight scenes, amazing stunts, a terrific score, actors who can act and skipfuls of lens flares, what it doesn't have, that The Marine 2 does, include:

A bizarrely abstract DVD menu screen that looks like

what you see when you're drunk and you close your eyes

Bafflingly vague location intertitles that imply there's
only one US Marine Base in the whole of Southeast Asia

Subtle product placement

A soldier called Phil Army

So it's difficult to decide which is the better film. Although I don't see Tesco taking out massive adverts for the Die Hard DVD, so I think the evidence speaks for itself.

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Speed: The Forgotten Legend

Nobody mentions Speed these days. It's fantastic, it should get a mention every day on the news as a reminder of how good action films can be. I can hear Huw Edwards now: "And finally, don't forget the clocks go forward this weekend, or that Speed remains a classic example of the action genre 16 years on. And now, the weather."

There are several people who should be remembered for their contribution to Speed, and The Incredible Suit is pleased to give them a 'shout out' or a 'big up' or whatever the kids call it these days.

Graham Yost, Writer

Speed's story structure is flawless. Mildly exciting lift sequence, pause for coffee, heart-attack-inducingly thrilling and clinically constructed second act, pause to collect ransom, silly but gripping final act on train, kiss, the end. And there are just the right amount of quiet, emotional beats at just the right times so you don't get worn out.

Also, "Yeah... well I'm taller": genius.

Graham Yost has written nothing as good, before or since.

Jan de Bont, Director

De Bont sensibly doesn't worry too much about his actors - there's only so much you can get Keanu Reeves to do - and instead keeps his story constantly moving, like a shark. On a bus. There are almost no static shots in 116 minutes and - along with the zippy editing - it's what keeps the film from going below 50 and exploding.

De Bont also brought along some of the lens flares he had left over from when he was cinematographer on Die Hard. Sadly lens flares are now an endangered species since JJ Abrams depleted the global supply with Star Trek, but it was worth it.

Jan de Bont has directed nothing as good, before or since.

Mark Mancina, Score Composer

Speed's score is classic action film music. Its stabbing motif and rolling percussion are perfect accompaniments to the on-screen mayhem, and its softer moments accurately judged for the soppy bits. Sometimes it strays too far into '80s electronica, and Billy Idol over the end credits is unforgivable, but I'm assuming Mancina wasn't responsible for that.

Mark Mancina has composed nothing as good, before or since.

Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock, Stars

A man's gotta know his limitations, and Keanu does. The Incredible Suit respects him for that. He's also an amazing advert for white t-shirts, although if you put one on YOU WILL NOT LOOK LIKE HIM. I know from bitter experience. You'd think I'd have learned after the Bruce Willis / dirty vest episode.

As for Sandra, my heart goes out to her every time she hits that pram. I just want to give her a hug and tell her it'll be alright. She's perfect as Annie Porter. Yes, Porter. One who transports things to their destination.

Neither Reeves nor Bullock have been as good in anything before or since. Although Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure is close.

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Last Exit To Nowhere

I can't believe I've been writing this sack of sprouts for eight months now and I still haven't plugged Last Exit To Nowhere.

Some of you will be living in a wonderful, happy place where you already know about LETN and their galactically humungous range of geeksplasmic t-shirts, hoodies and caps, in which case carry on as normal and go and buy some more.

For those poor, pitiful souls sploshing about in a filthy, squalid pit of ignorance and hopelessness, Last Exit To Nowhere make the greatest clothes known to geekkind, and you should have already stopped reading this in order to go and buy at least four t-shirts.

Each design is based on a different film, but not in a "look at me, I'm wearing a Back To The Future poster on my flabby guts" kind of way. The shirts are based on subtle elements from within the films; so subtle that only your fellow geek will know what you're saying with your sartorial choices. So if you know that Hill Valley High School is where Marty McFly consistently turned up late because he was blowing up Doc Brown's gaff with a comically tiny guitar, you'll spot your fellow BTTF-freak a mile off when you see them in this baby:

The Incredible Suit has purchased no less than five t-shirts from these agents of awe-inspiring apparel, and suggests you do the same. It's like having a secret handshake only without all that unhygienic handshaking business. I look forward to the day when it's possible to buy a pair of Universal Exports underpants, but until then, may Last Exit To Nowhere keep up the good work and may you click here now and dress yourselves properly for a change you scruffy buggers.

***STOP INTERNET EQUIVALENT OF PRESS***

Last Exit To Nowhere have just announced this as their next masterwork, in case you wondered what to buy me to thank me for all the free entertainment I've given you:

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Three-Minute Clipgasm

I’ve recently become aware of a truly wonderful, but little-known corner of the crazy world of movies, and I wanted to share it with you in the hope that you don’t know about it already and I don’t look like the last person in the world to discover it and everybody says, “Oh dear, he’s lost it you know, his blog was much better in the early days when he told us how great Chicago is only seven years after it came out”.

By way of a meandering introduction though, here’s a fact: A great trailer is in no way a clear indication of the quality of a film. Now this is clearly as obvious a statement as announcing that Shia LaBeouf single-handedly renders any film he’s in ghastly, and deep down I’ve always known it. However in my innocence I have for a long time allowed my excitement about a forthcoming film to be entirely dependent on a three-minute clipgasm edited together by an 8-year old with ADHD high on Sunny D and desperate to finish before he wets himself.

Because these little works of art do such a fantastic job of making even the turdiest movies look like the greatest thing since cinnamon flavour Jelly Belly, somebody (who deserves a Nobel prize for being ace) came up with the Golden Trailer Awards, a celebration of all that’s short, flashy and exhilarating, not to mention misleading and ultimately dream-smashing. Held annually, the GTAs celebrate the best of trailers from the world over. There’s even a category for Best Voice Over, recently renamed the Don LaFontaine Award for Best Voice Over after the legend that is this man:


I was very pleased to see that the spectaculous trailer for woeful cackfest Vantage Point won an award last year, because it did a bang-up job of convincing me the film was going to be the next Die Hard, when in fact it was the next Die Hard 4.0. In fact there are so many films that I would rather just re-watch the trailers for than the actual flick that I think film studios should stop all this feature length movie nonsense and just keep making cool trailers, then release compilation DVDs every six months, calling them something like Now That’s What I Call Short, Flashy And Exhilarating But Misleading And Ultimately Dream-Smashing. I mean who wants to sit through 3 hours and 6 minutes of a director’s cut of Watchmen anyway when the trailers are incredible and still leave time for a nice walk in the park or a leisurely browse of a pioneering, soul-enriching blog? Nobody, that’s who.

So hooray for the Golden Trailer Awards. Long may they celebrate all that is brief and erratically edited, and by the way did I mention that District 9 looks absolutely amazing from the trailers?

Noel Edmonds Was Right All Along

ShortList Magazine today published the results of a poll to find readers’ Top 20 films from the 1980s. The results were predictable but I more or less agreed – except for their Number 1, Raging Bull, which is as overrated a piece of cinema as Citizen Kane if you ask me, which you probably don’t, but then this is my blog so I’m afraid you’re just going to have to sit down and be quiet. The definitive five greatest films from the 1980s are obviously:

1. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
2. The Empire Strikes Back
3. Back To The Future
4. Die Hard
5. The Shining

But I digress. Publishing a list of top films from the ‘80s is as inspired as putting the front page at the front, and about as interesting. Now obviously ShortList is a free rag and is intended to be read by bleary-eyed commuters dribbling overpriced coffee onto their suits at christ o’clock in the morning, but come on now, really. Must try harder.

So imagine a magazine like ShortList, only much better, called The Incredible Suit, only it’s not wasting acres of trees only to end up in a landfill somewhere thanks to selfish tykes who can’t be arsed to locate their nearest recycling point, it is in fact online and in the form of a “web log”, or “blog” for short. Now stop imagining, because it’s right before your eyes! How amazing is that? It’s like you can make your wildest dreams come true just by imagining them! Noel Edmonds was right all along.

The Incredible Suit refuses to do anything as lacklustre as the Top 20 from the 1980s, but in a groundbreaking act of inversion and self-congratulatory smart-arsery I hereby present…

***THE TOP 80 MOVIES FROM THE 1920s!!***

Except, good grief, that would be a long and tedious list wouldn’t it, so let’s use some artistic licence and just make it the Top 8.

Now this was a decade before CGI, before colour, before surround sound, in fact much of it before sound full stop, so obviously it was rubbish. And I say that with little in the way of justification, knowledge or proof, but let’s be fair – if there were stacks of good movies made in the ‘20s they’d still be knocking around today, but most of them aren’t. However the Top 8 that are, I can officially announce in this exclusive poll of myself, are:

1. The General (Buster Keaton)
2. Sherlock Jr (Buster Keaton)
3. The Lodger (Alfred Hitchcock)
4. Why Worry? (Harold Lloyd)
5. Our Hospitality (Buster Keaton)
6. Seven Chances (Buster Keaton)
7. The Kid (Charlie Chaplin)
8. The Kid Brother (Harold Lloyd)

No doubt you've spotted there's no Metropolis or Dr Caligari, and I realise that this list is populated almost exclusively by silent comedians (Mr Hitchcock being the notable exception, although he was a bit of a silent comedian himself – look at his cameos), but that’s what I’ve been watching a lot of lately so that’s the way the silent cookie crumbles. DEAL WITH IT!

Thanks to Jeremiah McDonald for the video!