Who's your favourite James Bond? SHUT UP AND I'LL TELL YOU

You know how it is: you're at a dinner party, having a perfectly good time, and conversation suddenly turns to the eternal, dreaded question, usually posed by the most insufferable twit in the room: "Go on then - who's YOUR favourite James Bond?" You panic. You don't know. You've never given it that much thought, because really, does it matter? But it does matter. The rest of the evening could hinge on this one answer.

Fortunately The Incredible Suit, in conjunction with market research firm YouGov*, is here to help. YouGov recently launched "segmentation and media planning tool" YouGov Profiles, an app designed to reveal the "quintessential" (as opposed to "typical") fan or customer of almost any brand, person or thing. Naturally my first reaction was to investigate fans of The Incredible Suit, but for some reason there aren't any. My second reaction, therefore, was to have a look at the quintessential profiles of fans of all the actors to play James Bond. Yeah, it was kind of a slow day.

So in order to find out who YOUR favourite James Bond is, simply identify yourself from the following six profiles, and then you'll be armed with all the knowledge you need to survive the next excruciatingly awful dinner party. And remember: all of the following data - including the remarkable illustrations - are the work of YouGov. I am completely blameless.

Note: George Lazenby, who played Bond just once, is apparently so unpopular that he doesn't feature in YouGov's database. I was therefore forced to replace him with the closest search result, who was BBC News presenter George Alagiah. I don't think it makes much difference to the outcome.

THE SEAN CONNERY FAN

Age: 40-59
Favourite dishes: Bread pudding, deep fried mushrooms, Bombay potatoes
Customer of: Macleans toothpaste, Olay, Black & Decker
Favourite musical artists: Rod Stewart, U2, Phil Collins
Top Twitter follow: @denise_vanouten
Favourite magazine: PC Pro

See the full Sean Connery fan profile

THE GEORGE ALAGIAH FAN

Age: 60+
Favourite dish: Apricot strudel
Enjoys: Going to museums and galleries
Customer of: BBC News, BBC Two, BBC Four
Favourite celebrities: Huw Edwards, Fiona Bruce, Dermot Murnaghan
Top website visited: ford.co.uk

See the full George Alagiah fan profile

THE ROGER MOORE FAN

Age: 60+
Most likely to say: "UKIP are just saying what ordinary British people are thinking"
Customer of: Wall's sausages, Ginsters, Matteson's
Favourite musical artists: Bing Crosby, Liza Minelli, Bette Midler
Top Facebook page: Jeremy Clarkson Is Not A Racist
Favourite newspaper: Daily Mail

See the full Roger Moore fan profile

THE TIMOTHY DALTON FAN

Age: 25-39
Favourite dishes: Blueberry pie, lemon pie, Welsh potato cakes
Describes themselves as: Knowledgeable, but occasionally miserable
Customer of: I Can't Believe It's Not Butter, Flora ProActiv
Favourite TV shows: Wonder Woman, Seaside Rescue, Greatest Cities Of The World With Griff Rhys Jones
Top websites visited include: hoseasons.co.uk

See the full Timothy Dalton fan profile

THE PIERCE BROSNAN FAN

Age: 40-59
Politics: Slightly left of centre
Customer of: Wall's ice cream, Ben & Jerry's, Fabulous Bakin' Boys
Favourite movies: Where Eagles Dare, Cleopatra, Shark Tale
Top Twitter follows include: @rupertmurdoch, @dropbox
Favourite magazine: Take A Break

See the full Pierce Brosnan fan profile

THE DANIEL CRAIG FAN

Age: 40-59
Hobbies and activities: Painting, travelling, going on day trips
Most likely to say: "Fresh food is better than frozen"
Favourite movies: Casino Royale, Quantum Of Solace, Skyfall, Cowboys & Aliens
Favourite TV shows: Trumpton, Rainbow
Top Facebook pages: Daniel Craig, James Bond 007, James Bond

See the full Daniel Craig fan profile

Didn't find yourself among those six profiles? Then you're clearly not a James Bond fan at all, get the fuck out of my dinner party this instant.

Other observations: 

• Sean Connery fans watch TV for over fifty hours a week.
• George Alagiah fans are the most current affairs-minded of all Bond fans: their top five TV shows watched recently are all BBC News programmes.
• Roger Moore fans are all, essentially, Alan Partridge.
• Timothy Dalton fans are the most right-wing of all Bond fans.
• Pierce Brosnan fans need to lay off the snacks.
• Daniel Craig fans are the wealthiest, with between £125 and £499 disposable income per month compared to all other Bond fans' measly £125 or less.

* YouGov have absolutely no idea that I'm abusing their precious data like this and would staunchly refute the phrase "in conjuction with" in this context.

BlogalongaBond / On Her Majesty's Secret Service: George Lazenby Gives Good Fisting

When the Bond franchise was rebooted with 2006's Casino Royale, much was made of the overhaul the series was given: a new actor as a more serious Bond with fewer gadgets, and a bold story in which 007 puts his love for a laydee before his job. What seemed to get forgotten in all the excitement about Daniel Craig's trunks was that the series has had several reboots over the years, the first of which featured all of the aforementioned 'radical' elements, and occurred at roughly the time Craig was busy being born.

With Sean Connery throwing in the toupée (for now) and the Bond films busting the barrier of believability with You Only Live Twice's hollowed out volcano, it was time for change. On Her Majesty's Secret Service took more risks than any Bond film before or since, and it's all the better for it. The first act plays out like a romantic melodrama (interspersed with the odd brutal smackdown) and culminates in a full on montage of fromage which sits oddly in the canon, but from then on it's vintage Bond action all the way to its shattering climax.

Former Bond editor Peter Hunt directs this sixquel with the enthusiasm and verve of a man who's been wanting to do this job for years, Richard Maibaum's scipt dares to be exciting and intelligent, and everybody else from the cast and crew goes above and beyond the call of duty, taking their work as seriously as the film demands. Well, almost everybody.

Australian model George Lazenby may have the line-reading skills of a sideboard - which was unfortunate, given the effort Maibaum put in to give Bond's character some depth - but his physicality and arrogance work in his favour, to the point where you believe he's fighting for his life with every punch. In fact, Lazenby's fight scenes are the most crunchingly savage since that eventful train journey, and we wouldn't see Bond displaying such animal ferocity again for nearly forty years.

There are three short but astonishing scraps in OHMSS's first twenty minutes, the first giving Lazenby the chance to atone for his abysmal introduction, in which he may as well have shouted "G'day, mate! Name's Bond, throw another shrimp on the barbie etc!". Mercifully, the delivery is forgotten as Bond takes on two thugs which such gusto that it's a wonder his arms don't fly off.

He's helped by some avant-garde editing - the fight moves from the beach to the middle of the ocean in two insane cuts - but it's bruising stuff, and is a far better introduction to the new 007 than his cringing verbal greeting.

Less than ten minutes later, Bond is attacked in a hotel room by an enormous man intent on separating his head from his shoulders. This is one of the greatest fights in the entire series, as the two men destroy the room in 48 seconds (and, coincidentally, 48 cuts) of walloping mayhem. You can see Lazenby's face in almost every shot, and he's really going for it, the lack of a stunt double giving the scene wincing realism. Like From Russia With Love's classic train fight, there's no score over this punch-up, so every smash of the furniture and crack of the chops properly hits home.

It's not long before there's another scuffle, this one quite short but remarkable for its absolutely bonkers crash zooms and bizarre sound effects. Each kick and punch sounds like someone pushing a drum machine down a well, and the mental camerawork and close-quarters action pull you right into the fight. I was also pleased that Lazenby follows Connery's lead in this scene by doing his own Kenneth Williams impression:

Sadly The Lazenbox's fight skillz weren't matched by his eye for a good opportunity, and with staggering short-sightedness he decided that Bond couldn't survive beyond the decade in which he had flourished, and ruled himself out of any further appearances as 007. It's probably fair to say that nobody was particularly sad about that, but instead of taking a further risk on another new actor, the producers settled back into the comfy sofa of familiarity by re-hiring Sean Connery to make a final, flabby appearance in the next film.

Commercially, the reboot had failed, but it was an experiment the Bond films would return to, and when they did, it would be the punch in the face that the series was so badly asking for.

The Contessa Teresa di Vicenzo

Haughty, brattish, independent and playful, Tracy is the most complex and respectfully-written Bond girl in the franchise. Diana Rigg plays her to perfection, excelling in the action scenes as much as in the more dialogue-heavy stretches, and it helps that she does most of her own stunts, having kicked plenty of diabolical mastermind behind in TV's The Avengers. She only comes second to Thunderball's Fiona Volpe in the Bond Girl Hall of Fame because in a fight, Fiona would play dirtier.

The winter sports

Shot from the ground by genius skiing cameraman Willy Bogner and from the air by genius aerial cameraman Johnny Jordan, and skilfully marshalled by second unit director and editor John Glen (who would eventually direct five Bond films), OHMSS's amazing snow-bound action scenes are the first and best of Bond's forays onto the slopes. Only a few sloppy back-projection shots spoil the mood, but for the most part these are by far the stand-out moments of the film's action-packed second half. 

The score

John Barry - "On Her Majesty's Secret Service"

John Barry's greatest work? Probably. Best Bond theme ever? Definitely.

Miss Moneypenny

The underrated Lois Maxwell had already spent nearly six films as M's secretary, alternately teasing and mooning over 007, but it was at Bond's wedding to Tracy that she unleashed this astonishing, wordless performance. The complexity of her character is distilled into a couple of dignified tears, a forced smile, a brief wave and the clutching of a hat. Many fans admit to shedding a tear at the death of Mrs Bond, but it's this scene that makes me well up in the name of unrequited love.

The end

Having at last saved Tracy from both Blofeld and herself, and found his own quantum of solace in the arms of an equal partner and a secure future, Bond takes his eye off the ball and loses everything in one devastating second. If there's one scene that exemplifies the risks the filmmakers undertook in the production of On Her Majesty's Secret Service, it's this one, and what's almost as tragic as its heartbreaking content is that Broccoli, Saltzman & co totally failed to live up to its promise with successive films.

And finally: The double entendres are by now becoming so regular that the writers have almost stopped bothering with the double bit:

Wearing traditional Scottish dress as part of his cover as Sir Hilary Bray, Bond is dining with a bevy of beauties. Ruby, seated next to him, slips her hands under the table and lifts his kilt in order to write her room number on his inner thigh with lipstick. Bond momentarily loses his train of thought.

IRMA BUNT

Is anything the matter, Sir Hilary?

BOND

Just a slight stiffness coming on... in the shoulder.

FACT: The words "in the shoulder" were added at the behest of the BBFC, who for some reason felt that without them, audiences might think Bond was referring to his steadily engorging penis.

BlogalongaBond will return with Diamonds Are Forever

What the hell is BlogalongaBond? I'll tell you.

Further BlogalongaBondareading here

Surplus Kiddy Beans

Poll results time, everyone! Now look. I like diversity. I like that everyone has different views on stuff. It’s what makes the world go round. However it does make for a clumsy graphic when equal numbers of you vote a) for The Prisoner Of Azkaban as the greatest Harry Potter Film, Like, Ever, and b) that all Harry Potter films are bobbins. So if you could all be a bit more homogenous in your views in future polls, that would make my life a lot easier. Thanks!

I saw Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince the other day. It was exactly like all the other Harry Potter films, which is to say that it was 24% rubbish but 76% enjoyable. It had some funny bits (Harry on drugs), some bits which made me glad I’m not a teenager any more (all that unrequited lust) and some bits that made me wish I was Harry Potter (Harry and Ginny playing Hide-The-Potions-Book).

It was also, like a 30 minute episode of Big Brother, about 40 minutes too long. I’m amazed kids today can sit still for three hours including trailers, I had trouble making it through a Tom and Jerry cartoon without belting off up and down the street to burn off some surplus kiddy beans when I was that age.

Also, you’d be forgiven for thinking this film might be about the Half-Blood Prince, what with it featuring rather prominently in the title and all. It’s not. The Half-Blood Prince sub-sub-subplot takes up about 0.07% of the total running time. It may as well have been called Harry Potter and the Irrelevant Quidditch Scene, or Harry Potter and the Dead Headmaster (er… spoiler warning), or – even better:
This week’s poll arrives with the inevitability of an unwanted season, and is based on Wednesday’s post: Who’s The Greatest James Bond, Like, Ever? Obviously the answer is Timothy Dalton but I suppose I should give you, the viewers a chance to tell me what you think if only so I can tell you you’re wrong and brandish the stats in your face to prove it. I might even shout “take stat!” while I’m brandishing.

To help you decide who your favourite Bond is (it’s Timothy Dalton), here's a handy reminder. Daniel Craig isn't included but you probably remember him. He's the fugly one.

Thanks to Andy for the video!

To comment on this post, click here

Judi Dench Drops An F-Bomb

I recently undertook a massive project to discover who my favourite James Bond is. Or rather, to confirm to myself what I keep telling people about who my favourite James Bond is, so that I could back up my argument with empirical evidence.

What this involved – and this is the kind of selfless act I carry out for the viewers of The Incredible Suit – was watching every Bond film and rating them out of 10, then adding all the scores together for each actor, then dividing the totals by the number of Bond films each actor made in order to give a mean average score. Yes, I really did all those things. It just took me two and a half years.

For the sake of keeping the results pure and untainted, I didn’t include Never Say Never Again because a) it’s not an official Bond film, and b) it would put Sean Connery into minus figures.

So here are the results, and you can treat these as official figures from the National Office of Officially Accurate Statistical Figures And Stuff:

1. Timothy Dalton 9
2. Daniel Craig 8.5
3. Pierce Brosnan 7.5
4. Sean Connery 7.2
5. George Lazenby 7
6. Roger Moore 6.7

Many people get their nethers in a tangle when I tell them Timothy Dalton is the Best Bond, Like, Ever, because they think Sean Connery should be the best because he was the first. Tommywaddle. He was great in the first three, maybe four, but after that, come on. Fat, slow and bored of himself. Go and watch Diamonds Are Forever, you’ll see what I’m on about.

Having said that, I thought I preferred Connery to Brosnan, but looking at the official figures, apparently not. You can’t argue with the stats.

Here are some of the reasons why I love Timothy Dalton as Bond:

He can act (remember, he was preceded by 12 years of Roger Moore’s eyebrow).
He looks like Bond should look.
His Bond hates his job but takes it seriously.
His Bond smokes. Cigarettes, not ludicrously massive cigars.
His Bond has no time for incompetent assistants.
His Bond looks really, really pissed off when his friends get hurt.
His Bond bleeds and his suit gets ruined when he’s been in a fight.
His Bond swears. If you can count “horse’s arse”, “piss off” and “bastard” as swear words these days.

Speaking of effing and jeffing, have you noticed what a potty-mouth M has become lately? It’s all “bugger” this and “bastard” that, I don’t know what the world’s coming to. I bet Judi Dench drops an f-bomb in the next film.


Thanks to Cameron Arrigoni for the video!