Surplus Kiddy Beans

Poll results time, everyone! Now look. I like diversity. I like that everyone has different views on stuff. It’s what makes the world go round. However it does make for a clumsy graphic when equal numbers of you vote a) for The Prisoner Of Azkaban as the greatest Harry Potter Film, Like, Ever, and b) that all Harry Potter films are bobbins. So if you could all be a bit more homogenous in your views in future polls, that would make my life a lot easier. Thanks!

I saw Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince the other day. It was exactly like all the other Harry Potter films, which is to say that it was 24% rubbish but 76% enjoyable. It had some funny bits (Harry on drugs), some bits which made me glad I’m not a teenager any more (all that unrequited lust) and some bits that made me wish I was Harry Potter (Harry and Ginny playing Hide-The-Potions-Book).

It was also, like a 30 minute episode of Big Brother, about 40 minutes too long. I’m amazed kids today can sit still for three hours including trailers, I had trouble making it through a Tom and Jerry cartoon without belting off up and down the street to burn off some surplus kiddy beans when I was that age.

Also, you’d be forgiven for thinking this film might be about the Half-Blood Prince, what with it featuring rather prominently in the title and all. It’s not. The Half-Blood Prince sub-sub-subplot takes up about 0.07% of the total running time. It may as well have been called Harry Potter and the Irrelevant Quidditch Scene, or Harry Potter and the Dead Headmaster (er… spoiler warning), or – even better:
This week’s poll arrives with the inevitability of an unwanted season, and is based on Wednesday’s post: Who’s The Greatest James Bond, Like, Ever? Obviously the answer is Timothy Dalton but I suppose I should give you, the viewers a chance to tell me what you think if only so I can tell you you’re wrong and brandish the stats in your face to prove it. I might even shout “take stat!” while I’m brandishing.

To help you decide who your favourite Bond is (it’s Timothy Dalton), here's a handy reminder. Daniel Craig isn't included but you probably remember him. He's the fugly one.

Thanks to Andy for the video!

To comment on this post, click here

Pitchfork-Wielding Troglodytes

The new Harry Potter film, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, is out soon, and in preparation I’ve been enjoying a Harry Potterthon at my local cinema, the Joeyplex. I love the Harry Potter films, despite the fact that they’re all a bit rubbish. This is a problem for me because I don’t like admitting that I like rubbish things. I know I should stand my ground and fart in the faces of those who ridicule me, but that’s just too difficult, both mentally and anatomically.

The series has many faults, but there’s only room for me to whine about the two biggest ones before you wander off somewhere less negative. Firstly, it’s quite clear that nobody in the Harry Potter films can act, least of all Daniel Radcliffe (Harry) and Emma Watson (Hermione) – in fact she’s probably the worst actor I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen Spiceworld: The Movie.

Secondly, like Roger Moore’s kisses in a Bond film, they’re waaaaaaay too long (but less capable of inducing a messy breakfast-reappearance). Goblet of Fire, the one with the tri-wizard tournament, is like a two-and-a-half hour edition of The Generation Game; the bits of it that matter could have been condensed into a five-minute pre-title sequence in the next film.

Having said that, the positives outweigh the negatives like Hagrid outweighs Dobby the house-elf. Harry Potter films are all about friendship, standing up for – and by – your mates, sticking two fingers up to the man once in a while, learning to listen to your elders occasionally and negotiating the treacherous terrain of teenage life, all of which resound deep in the lining of The Incredible Suit.

For these reasons I’m prepared to forgive the atrocious acting and long-winded storytelling because the Harry Potter films make me feel all warm and gooey inside, like somebody’s filled me up with cute sleepy puppies and crocheted blankets.

There’s some controversy these days over whether it’s socially acceptable to say that Emma Watson is actually quite fanciable (as long as she doesn’t speak), because if you say that out loud somebody will point out that she’s only eleven years old and before you know it you’re on the front page of the Daily Mail and your house has been burned down by pitchfork-wielding troglodytes. So it seems the answer is no, despite the fact that she is in fact 19 years old. I know because I visit her Wikipedia page quite often.

Anyway that chick who plays Ginny Weasley is much nicer.

See?