RIP Pierce Brosnan's Career, 1980-2010

Some time ago, I wrote a sad lament to the post-Bond career of Pierce Brosnan. You can read it if you enjoy wallowing in another man's pathetic misery, but the basic gist of it was that it seems like a tragic waste of a great man's talents that he keeps appearing in utter shit (barring the magnificent Mamma Mia!, obviously*). I suppose he was quite good in The Ghost, but that wasn't enough to save it from being ponderous and preposterous claptrap.

Fortunately it appears that he's no longer attached to the abominably-titled Vanilla Gorilla, so, in the hope that The Incredible Suit has the power to remove The Broz from potentially abysmal projects simply by mentioning them, here's what we can look forward to enduring him in over the coming months:

Salvation Boulevard

Brozzer plays an evangelical pastor who inadvertently but hilariously kills someone, MASSIVE LOL. He's made a half-hearted attempt at growing a beard (No BrozBeard will ever beat Die Another Day's) which makes him look like some sick Alec Baldwin / Matthew Kelly hybrid, and he's doing the voice of David Bowie struggling with a particularly stubborn poo.

Nails In The Career Coffin:

Johnny English Reborn

P-Bro appears in the world's least-wanted sequel as "Ambrose". Little is known about the character, but here's an educated guess: he's a British agent sending himself up with all the dignity that Roger Moore displayed when he played himself in The Cannonball Run, and he either gets killed in the first five minutes or turns out to be the villain in a twist that literally nobody will see coming because literally nobody will see the film at all.

Nails In The Career Coffin:

I Don't Know How She Does It

The Brosnatron plays a high-powered businessman (the only role he's played more often than Bond) in Sex And The City 3 this atrocious-looking rom-com starring Sarah Jessica Parker in a role that even Jennifer Aniston would turn her carefully-sculpted nose up at these days. A shot in the trailer shows Brozbox giving SJP a double high-five, which makes me cry. Another shows him holding a Martini glass, and I just know that that Martini's stirred, which just makes it worse.

Nails In The Career Coffin:

St. Vincent

Brosnasaurus Rex plays a hitman (called Vincent) who goes undercover as a priest (IT'S CALLED ST. VINCENT, YEAH?) in order to get closer to his next target. As far as I can tell it's not a comedy, thank Christ, because it could easily turn into Nuns On The Run 2. The prospect of Brozzapalozza playing a bastard is always tasty, but St. Vincent is directed by Walter Hill, whose own career post-Alien is hardly comforting for anyone hoping for a Brosnan renaissance. A Brosnaissance, if you will. (You won't)

Nails In The Career Coffin:

All You Need Is Love

The Wizard Of Broz stars in ANOTHER FUCKING ROM-COM, presumably because he's just right for the part and not because the producers hope he'll pull in a few extra jaded punters still nursing a rapidly-dwindling desire to see one of the world's most watchable actors make a barely-watchable film.

Nails In The Career Coffin:

So that's The Brozfather's career's coffin pretty much nailed shut. Our next subject is Mr Daniel Craig; The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo had better not be a rom com.

*I bet you thought this would be where I explained that that was a joke. Well you thought wrong.