Following the runaway success I had with my last batch of made-up reviews ("runaway success" = a couple of retweets), I decided to do it all over again. And when I say "decided", in no way do I mean that I've run out of ideas and haven't seen anything that's out this week.
Cave Of Forgotten Dreams stars barmlord director Werner Herzog as the titular cave. When Nicolas Cage enters him he finds the elusive dream recorder we all wish we had, and he stays there for a hundred years watching all his old forgotten dreams until he gets to the one where he turned up at school with no pants on, at which point he leaves the Herzog-Cave via the nearest exit in a scene reminiscent of 1992 horror Society. It's rubbish.
Country Strong is the riches-to-riches story of an annoying actress who, having tested everybody's good will to the limit several times over, finally realises her dream of singing live at the Oscars. Despite stiff competition she beats everything else at the ceremony to win the coveted title of Worst Thing. Starring Gwyneth Paltrow as Gwyneth Paltrow. It's rubbish.
The Eagle is the long-awaited movie adaptation of the popular boys' comic of the 1950s and '60s (and relaunched in the '80s, arguably its golden age); a portmanteau film featuring Jamie Bell as the hideous alien The Mekon, Channing Tatum as the hideous alien Doomlord and Mark Strong as the hideous but expert BMX-riding alien Star Rider. It's rubbish.
Wake Wood is a knockabout caper following the hilarious exploits of the Rolling Stones as they attempt to rouse Ronnie Wood from his slumber following a five-week booze and pills bender. Mick Jagger ties him to the front of an aeroplane and flies it to Rio, and Keith Richards sets fire to him in order to snort his ashes, but to no avail. Eventually it turns out he's been dead since 1974 and nobody noticed. It's rubbish.
Faster stars Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson as The Faster, a man who eats nothing at all following a traumatic incident in which his wife once ate something and it made her a bit poorly. Billy Bob Thornton stars as the villain who tries to force Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson to at least have a biscuit or something, but Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson refuses. Eventually Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson cracks and eats the entire world in an EXPLOSIVE FINALE. It's The Incredible Suit's Film Of The Year.