This Week's Made Up Reviews

I know what a trustworthy source I am for the latest film reviews, because you've told me. Why, only recently somebody commented on my 127 Hours review to say "What a poorly written review (...) you can't tell the difference what's movie making and what's not (...) I'm not sure if you even watched the movie."

Taking this argument to its tedious but logical conclusion, it occurred to me that I may as well not bother actually watching anything before reviewing it if nobody can tell the difference. So here's a bunch of reviews for just some of the glut of films that are out this week, none of which I've seen. Let's see if you can tell.

Barney's Version stars Paul Giamatti as Barney, a man who becomes famous for singing a cover version of Toni Basil's 1982 sugary pop classic 'Mickey'. When Basil finds out, she goes apeshit. It's rubbish.

Biutiful stars Javier Bardem as a man who is very beautiful but not very good at spelling. One day he buys a dictionary but, while walking down the street reading it, falls over on his face, disfiguring him forever. It's really ironic because now he can spell but he's as ugly as sin. It's rubbish.

Hereafter stars Matt Damon as an 8 year old boy whose sister has a massive eafter. Nobody knows what an eafter is so he has to point it out to people. When they ask what he's pointing at he says "her eafter." This happens over and over again for two hours. It's rubbish.

Tangled is a Disney cartoon about a boy who is raised by jungle animals. They have a good old sing-song, then he grows his hair long and dyes it blond. One day his lustrous locks get tangled in the wheels of a train, with hilarious, heart-warming, life-affirming consequences. It's rubbish.

The Mechanic stars Jason Statham as a car mechanic. He's not a very good one because all the cars he works on explode after he's finished, so in order to become a better mechanic he kicks every other mechanic in the face until they're all dead, and he becomes the only mechanic in the world. Sadly he can't cope with the massive workload this situation presents and he commits suicide by kicking his own head off. It's absolutely brilliant.