Scott Pilgrim vs The World Sequel Looks Awesome

FISCHER. SPASSKY. KASPAROV. CULKIN.

An epic of ponderous, tactical, strategic epicness.

Tesco Entertainment Website Becomes First To Recognise The Genius Of David Mitton

Quite right too. The Thomas The Tank Engine & Friends episode 'Percy And The Haunted Mine' beats the shit out of Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil.

Look How Much The Harry Potter Stars Have Changed!

Now that Harry Potter's ten-year journey through the box office is almost at an end, it's time to look back at some of the cast and marvel at how completely different they all looked a decade ago when they were fresh-faced, innocent young squits with an epic adventure before them. It really is amazing what a difference ten years makes!

John Hurt (Mr Ollivander)

Alan Rickman (Severus Snape)

Maggie Smith (Minerva McGonagall)

Julie Walters (Molly Weasley)

David Bradley (Argus Filch)

Richard Harris (Albus Dumbledore)

Bless 'em. Weren't they cute?

I'm Sure I've Seen The New Super 8 Poster Before

A new poster for JJ Abrams' forthcoming better-be-brilliant-or-else Super 8 hit the nets earlier, causing small tremors in the nethers of geeks everywhere.

The primary reason for this trouser-troubling was that the poster has deliberately been designed to evoke the great work of Drew Struzan, trading off his connection with the 1980s hits that Super 8 seems to be shamelessly emulating, only with one billion percent more lens flare:

There was even mention that perhaps the great Mr Struzan himself had come out of retirement to do this poster, but upon closer inspection it seems fairly clear that he hasn't. The odd composition, not-quite-good-enough drawings and lack of The Struze's signature pretty much give the game away.

There's definitely something familiar about it though, and that something becomes painfully clear if you watch the trailer. Because every single element in this poster appears in the trailer in exactly the same pose, as if somebody's watched it, paused it every few seconds, printed out a bunch of screen grabs, fed them into a Struzomatic 5000 and produced the finished artwork. Here's the poster again, with those screen grabs plonked on top:

I don't know about you but I feel used, cheated and dirty.

A Photo From Yesterday's Post, Vertically And Horizontally Inverted And Cut Out In The Shape Of The Sun

Apologies if this ruins every subsequent viewing of GoldenEye for you.

RIP Pierce Brosnan's Career, 1980-2010

Some time ago, I wrote a sad lament to the post-Bond career of Pierce Brosnan. You can read it if you enjoy wallowing in another man's pathetic misery, but the basic gist of it was that it seems like a tragic waste of a great man's talents that he keeps appearing in utter shit (barring the magnificent Mamma Mia!, obviously*). I suppose he was quite good in The Ghost, but that wasn't enough to save it from being ponderous and preposterous claptrap.

Fortunately it appears that he's no longer attached to the abominably-titled Vanilla Gorilla, so, in the hope that The Incredible Suit has the power to remove The Broz from potentially abysmal projects simply by mentioning them, here's what we can look forward to enduring him in over the coming months:

Salvation Boulevard

Brozzer plays an evangelical pastor who inadvertently but hilariously kills someone, MASSIVE LOL. He's made a half-hearted attempt at growing a beard (No BrozBeard will ever beat Die Another Day's) which makes him look like some sick Alec Baldwin / Matthew Kelly hybrid, and he's doing the voice of David Bowie struggling with a particularly stubborn poo.

Nails In The Career Coffin:

Johnny English Reborn

P-Bro appears in the world's least-wanted sequel as "Ambrose". Little is known about the character, but here's an educated guess: he's a British agent sending himself up with all the dignity that Roger Moore displayed when he played himself in The Cannonball Run, and he either gets killed in the first five minutes or turns out to be the villain in a twist that literally nobody will see coming because literally nobody will see the film at all.

Nails In The Career Coffin:

I Don't Know How She Does It

The Brosnatron plays a high-powered businessman (the only role he's played more often than Bond) in Sex And The City 3 this atrocious-looking rom-com starring Sarah Jessica Parker in a role that even Jennifer Aniston would turn her carefully-sculpted nose up at these days. A shot in the trailer shows Brozbox giving SJP a double high-five, which makes me cry. Another shows him holding a Martini glass, and I just know that that Martini's stirred, which just makes it worse.

Nails In The Career Coffin:

St. Vincent

Brosnasaurus Rex plays a hitman (called Vincent) who goes undercover as a priest (IT'S CALLED ST. VINCENT, YEAH?) in order to get closer to his next target. As far as I can tell it's not a comedy, thank Christ, because it could easily turn into Nuns On The Run 2. The prospect of Brozzapalozza playing a bastard is always tasty, but St. Vincent is directed by Walter Hill, whose own career post-Alien is hardly comforting for anyone hoping for a Brosnan renaissance. A Brosnaissance, if you will. (You won't)

Nails In The Career Coffin:

All You Need Is Love

The Wizard Of Broz stars in ANOTHER FUCKING ROM-COM, presumably because he's just right for the part and not because the producers hope he'll pull in a few extra jaded punters still nursing a rapidly-dwindling desire to see one of the world's most watchable actors make a barely-watchable film.

Nails In The Career Coffin:

So that's The Brozfather's career's coffin pretty much nailed shut. Our next subject is Mr Daniel Craig; The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo had better not be a rom com.

*I bet you thought this would be where I explained that that was a joke. Well you thought wrong.

Bond 23 Release Date Change Plunges BlogalongaBond Into Chaos

I was at home last Thursday minding my own business, doing the usual nude gardening we all do on our days off, when I was startled by the sound of klaxons, alarm bells and barking dogs. This could only mean one thing: somebody had made a small announcement about the next Bond film.

I carefully put aside the shears for fear of irreparable self-harm and rushed to the nearest internet where, sure enough, I saw this on Twitter:

Now Sony don't break out the Caps Lock for any old announcement, so we must treat this as top double super important; even more so in the world of The Incredible Suit where the announcement that Daniel Craig recently moved his bowels more than twice in one day would be considered front-page stuff.

This news is a double-edged sword: obviously it's fantastic that the film is out two weeks earlier in the UK than previously reported, and equally satisfying that the US release date remains November 9th, although that hardly makes up for the TWO MONTH discrepancy in the opposite direction for the release of Super 8.

However it does throw a small spanner in the carefully-oiled machinery of BlogalongaBond, the globally-tolerated blogging project set up to review every Bond film at the rate of one a month, because the schedule had been precision-calculated to end in November 2012 when Bond 23 was originally slated for release.

The way I see it, there are a few ways around this:

1. Miss out one of the films. Die Another Day and Quantum Of Solace have already been singled out by internet h8rz as possible candidates for removal. Let it be known that I will not tolerate this. Every official Bond film has its place in BlogalongaBond; we leave no man behind, even if he's driving an invisible car.
2. Adjust the time scale so that the remaining 18 films are spread evenly across the next 17 months. This would require a lot of calculations, reminders and other administrative duties with which I frankly cannot be arsed.
3. Keep calm and carry on. If BlogalongaBondoliers want to post a review of Bond 23 in October 2012, they can. If they'd rather wait till November, that's cool too. This is obviously the only sensible option.

So that's cleared that up. Basically nothing changes. All of this is just an excuse to update the Bond 23 Countdown Clockometer:

As you were.