It's the Spectre teasre trailre!

I'm probably not allowed to say this, and there's no way I'm revealing my source, but there is DEFINITELY a new James Bond film on the way. I've managed to gain access to 97 seconds of footage from it, and I'd like to share it with you now. Remember: "Exclusive" is The Incredible Suit's middle name. Making its full name The Incredexclusiveible Suit. You can see why I had to shorten it.


Let's Spectrelate!

Oh dear, MI6 looks like Javier Bardem's face when he took that thing out of his mouth in Skyfall. Evidence found at the scene reveals the true cause of the explosion: Ben Whishaw left the gas on and Judi Dench lit a fart.

It's James Bond's flat, probably! Our hero lives at number 007 Spy Street, and the last time we saw it was in Live And Let Die, when it was decorated like a Swedish porn film and Bond impressed M with his new-fangled orange juicer. Rumour has it that in Spectre he will make Ralph Fiennes a toastie in his Breville sandwich maker. Also, in Things You Might Not Have Noticed But Probably Did: Judi Dench's M's bulldog on the table.

This is where things start to get a bit Flemingy. This document shows that Bond's legal guardian was - as Fleming describes - his aunt, Charmian Bond, after his parents died in a climbing accident. But it also reveals that temporary guardianship was transferred to one Hannes Oberhauser: more on that guy later. Also revealed here: Bond's age. Apparently twelve years old in 1983, that makes him 44 this year. It also means Daniel Craig's Bond is almost certainly the last to be older than me. Sad times.

Is that a young Christoph Waltz with a young Daniel Craig, plus a conveniently-obscured third party? Who could that be? Mr White? Blofeld? Roger Moore? We can only hope.

Is that a tear? Don't worry James, I cry too sometimes, usually during the Beach Boys scene in A View To A Kill. Note Moneypenny gently chiding Bond for not trusting anyone here. He trusted you not to shoot him in the chest at the beginning of Skyfall and look where that got him, you cack-handed twit!

I absolutely adore this bit. It's a beautifully-shot evocation of Fleming's short story Octopussy, in which Bond hunts down an old soldier, seeking revenge for the murder of childhood mentor Hannes Oberhauser (remember him? I mentioned him, like, three paragraphs ago. Keep up). Christoph Waltz, incidentally, plays a character called Franz Oberhauser. INTERESTING. (To me. I'm sure you couldn't care less)

That hat looks silly please cut this shot from the finished film.

Here's Monica Bellucci as the deliciously Flemingy-named Lucia Sciarra. Hopefully she's at the funeral of everyone who keeps banging on about how ancient she is for a Bond girl.

Lovely stuff. The SPECTRE ring, a ridiculous giveaway that anyone who wears it is a total shitbag, is a definite improvement on the ridiculous Connery-era version. Considering divorcing my wife so I can remarry her and have this as my wedding ring. Chicks dig that kind of romantic gesture, right?

And here's a beardy Mr White, apparent boss of Quantum, looking like he could do with a cuddle. I don't know what you heard in this bit, but I definitely heard Mr White call James Bond a cunt. In all fairness it's the only way to top Judi Dench saying "fuck" in Skyfall. I can't wait to see what happens in the next film. "Morning Moneypenny, you bloody buggering shitting cunty twatbastard motherfucker. Is M in?"

Bond is massively unimpressed with Mr White's "kite dancing in a hurricane" metaphor. Quite right too. I hope his response is "You are, more like".

Someone at this table better get 50,000 volts up the wazoo or I'm asking for my money back.

They are really pushing their luck with all this "Christoph Waltz isn't Blofeld" stuff. He couldn't be more Blofeldy here if the lights came on and he pulled off his wig and had a big ugly scar down his face and a fluffy white cat on his lap and a t-shirt saying "Hi I'm Blofeld nice to meet you" and then he said "Yes my name is Blofeld can't you read my t-shirt?"

Just so we're clear, this is some of the best movie logo branding-type stuff you'll ever see. It really is genius.


So what's the official The Incredible Suit verdict, I don't hear you ask because you didn't? Honestly, I was lukewarm on first viewing. But the more I think about it the more I like it: it's VERY Flemingy, which is great, and it's quite dark, which is also good. I've been assured, however, that the tone of the teaser is not representative of the tone of the film, which presumably will return to double-taking pigeons and Tarzan impressions as dictated by the Law Of Cyclical Bond Silliness. At the end of the day it's a new James Bond film, and as you probably know by now, that's enough to cause a commotion in my trousers until release date and quite possibly beyond. I'm ready. Bring it on. After another trailer and a few more posters obviously.