Six films I'll be giving a shit about in December

ST. VINCENT

Cranky old drunk Bill Murray befriends a small boy in this live remake of Up, only with more swears and titty bars. I vaguely recall this film had Pierce Brosnan in the lead at one point, but from watching the trailer it looks like Murray already owns this. Maybe Broz could have played the young boy, miniaturised by CG like a Hobbit, is that possible? If so can we do that quite soon please? (5th)

THE HOBBIT: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES

Let's see if Peter Jackson can complete a hat-trick of three-star blockbusters with this, the "defining" (note: not "final") chapter in his Hobbity hexalogy. Despite all his efforts to make me not give a shit about this, I still do but cannot adequately explain why. I realise this makes me part of the problem. PS Please do not laugh out loud when Orlando Bloom says "These bats are bred for one purpose... FOR WAR" with a completely straight face. (12th)

DUMB AND DUMBER TO

Much like Interstellar last month, I gave more shits about this before I actually saw it. Pretend it's still 1995 and you'll have a great time. (19th)

BIG EYES

Apparently Tim Burton has a new movie out. I remember the days when I would have heard about this at least a year in advance; now I find out with mere weeks to go. I sense a conspiracy. What's he hiding? WE MUST KNOW THE TRUTH! Alternatively I just haven't been paying attention. (26th)

EXODUS: GODS AND KINGS

"These frogs are bred for one purpose... FOR WAR!" I am all over this like the eyebrows all over Joel Edgerton's face. (26th)

UNBROKEN

"This Olympic athlete was bred for one purpose... FOR WAR!" I don't know about you but after Starred Up and '71 I would watch Jack O'Connell doing a poo while wearing a dress and singing Never Gonna Give You Up. This looks like it might be even better than that. (26th)