Tuesday, 31 July 2012

New Skyfall Trailer Is ABSOLUTELY AMA- *faints*

Hot up the ass of the first, better-than-any-film-I've-seen-this-year teaser for Skyfall comes this lengthy trailer, packed with MORE beardy Bond! MORE bad-haired Bardem! And MORE bastard-cool cuff-adjustment than EVER BEFORE!!!!!11 *faints again*

Time to crank down the resolution and pick this baby apart with some crap gags that even ShortList magazine would think twice about printing.

WTAF? Bond's dead? Ah, hang on... this is the rebooted Bond, right? Ergo, Skyfall is a remake of You Only Live Twice. I can't wait for the bit where they make Daniel Craig look Japanese by rubbing Bisto all over his face.

Oh dear. Because M is a senile old biddy she's gone and lost the drive containing the identity of every agent embedded in terrorist organisations across the globe! Don't worry love, the YouTube video's only had one view. Crisis averted, end of film.

Cack-handed liability Naomie Harris (still definitely not Moneypenny, nooooo way) shoots Bond off the top of a moving train, precipitating some kind of Fall from the Sky. There is literally no way Bond could possibly survive this.

TYPO ALERT: It should read "Think on your shins". "Think on your sins" doesn't even make sense!

Someone's blown a hole in the side of MI6, ergo Skyfall is a remake of The World Is Not Enough. M must be sick to the tits of repairing her office walls by now.

Holy shitballs, 'e's only gone and survived that impossible-to-survive Fall from the Sky. "Where the hell have you been?" asks M. "Enjoying Def Leppard," comes the unexpected reply.

Fuck me, that face fuzz is appalling. He looks like he's been rimming a diarrhetic bear.

"You must be joking," says Bond to Q. Ergo, Skyfall is a remake of Goldfinger. Didn't we do all these old school Bond references in Die Another Day? Oh, it's a remake of Die Another Day.

A gun that can only be fired if it recognises Bond's palm print! Why, I haven't seen such a thing since Licence To Kill! Ergo, Skyfall is etc etc.

Oh the James Bond films, how I've missed your conveniently-obscured tits.

Good to see Eon Productions honouring the clause in Javier Bardem's contract which stipulates that he must sport a barnet that makes children point and laugh at him in every film.

It's a little-known fact that somewhere underneath the Thames MI6 have their own version of popular TV show 'The Cube'. They call it 'The Hexagonal Prism' and M always gets to be Phillip Schofield due to the staggering physical resemblance.

I tried this at Oxford Circus station and ended up with fourteen 'Please stand on the right' signs embedded in my scrotum. The irony was, I couldn't stand at all afterwards! Because I also broke every bone in my legs.

Welcome back, Mr Bond. It's good to see you again.

I'm going to choose to ignore for now the slightly tedious throwbacks to previous Bond films, as well as the fact that Daniel Craig only really looks good in about one of these shots, and blindly continue to assert that Skyfall still looks the absolute shizzle. Even though it's almost possible to work out the entire plot from the two existing trailers, I still get a tremor in my trunks thinking about the first time I'll get to see how it all fits together. Nothing does that to me like Bond does and I make no apologies for it. I just hope I won't be asking for any from Sam Mendes come October.


  1. Seeing Daniel Craig being addressed as "Mr. Bond" by the Queen must upstage any other acting accolade for the novelty of it if nothing else. It would be wonderful if those Olympic opening ceremony shots could be worked into Skyfall in some way. It is not everyday that you have a Queen riding on your chopper. Her Majesty could then be nominated for the most promising newcomer actor BAFTA award.

  2. SO GOOD. I'm stoked!

    Also, congrats! I've given you an award on my blog. Go here to check it out! http://the-smoking-pen.blogspot.com/2012/08/11-badass-questions.html