Bank Holiday Moviegasm

It's August Bank Holiday, which means it's probably raining so hard it feels like it's trying to force your house into the ground. There's nothing to do but surf the intertubes and watch the telly. Fortunately The Incredible Suit can provide advice on both fronts.

Intertubery should obviously be limited to this site and those it recommends (preferably just the former though), and when that's exhausted its limited appeal, here's what you should be sucking through your pupils for the rest of the day.

BBC1, 11.45am: Legend

Ridley Scott. The Cruiser. Tim Curry in the insanest horns in the history of horning. In all honesty I've never seen this film, but that's what Bank Holidays are for. Join me on Twitter for a live tweetorgy as we experience its might together.

Film 4, 3.10pm: The Time Machine

ITV4, 3.45pm: Flash Gordon

Difficult choice here. The Time Machine is an immaculate, beautiful piece of filmmaking that can't fail to touch your moviegland in delicious ways, while Flash Gordon is the only film ever made that is only legally possible to watch on a Bank Holiday. My head says Eloi and Morlocks but my heart bellows "GORDON'S ALIVE!!!" at brain-splitting volumes.

ITV2, 9.00pm Casino Royale

Film 4, 9.00pm Cloverfield

Another tricky choice. Cloverfield is so unfeasibly entertaining it should be banned under the Dangerously Cracking Movies Act, while Casino Royale is clearly the best 007 film for nearly 20 years and probably for the next 20 too. However, it's a Bank Holiday, so it's mandatory to bathe in Bond till your Walther PPK goes wrinkly.

ITV4, 11.55pm The Exorcist

A film for all moods. Fancy a chucklefest? Get the beers in and your mates round and laugh your ass off at this cheesy dated nonsense. Alternatively, if you want the willies properly put up you, make sure you're alone, turn off all the lights and scare the very faecal matter from your bowels with one of the most disturbingly terrifying films ever made. Two movies for the price of one!

And remember kids, whatever you watch, make the most of it. The next Bank Holiday is Christmas Day and you'll be forced to watch Spider-Man 3, Shrek The Third and Transformers. Bleurgh.

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An Incomprehensible Robot And A Massive Hairdo

Now I’m not one of those people who says, “If I had a time machine I’d go back and do blah blah blah”. Having said that, if I had a time machine I’d go back and nail Shia LaBeouf’s doors and windows shut on the day he was meant to audition for Indiana Jones And The Kingdom Of The Crystal Skull, but that’s neither here nor there.

The thing about time travel is it’s a goldmine for telling great stories, as proven by the fact that even a load of slushy old chickery flickery like The Time Traveller’s Wife is surprisingly unterrible because Eric Bana’s lurches through time give it a cerebellum-exercising twist. In fact the films that focus on the effects and possibilities arising from time travel, rather than an FX-heavy display of how it happens, tend to be the better stories.

For, as they say, example: The Time Machine isn’t about time travel, it’s about where we’re going as a species. Back To The Future isn’t really about time travel, it’s about the unbridled horror of meeting your Mum as a teenager and having her drool all over you like a rabid mastiff. And The Terminator just uses time travel to kick start a relentless game of cat and mouse between an incomprehensible robot and a massive hairdo with a small woman underneath.

What’s great about these films is their inherent re-watchability. You simply have to see them more than once because the knowledge of how it all fits together only enhances an already mind-squootling experience. Now there are loads of cracking time travel movies that not enough people have seen, and it’s my duty and my honour to make you aware of a couple of them.

Primer

Just about the lowest-budget time travel movie ever (it cost $7,000), but it doesn’t matter because all the genius is in the story. Two mates build a time machine, try and use it to make a fast buck, but double-reverse-counter-cross each other all over the place until nobody knows where they live or what their name is. The mechanics of their time travelling are so labyrinthine that to explain it would be like turning your brain into spaghetti and noodles and then trying to work out which is which.

Los Cronocrimenes (Timecrimes)

Much less boggling than Primer; it will only turn your brain into spaghetti. One man has the most bonkers afternoon of his life when he spots a naked woman in the woods behind his house and - obviously - goes to investigate, a course of action which will leave him bloody, battered, and with various duplicates of himself mucking about in the space-time continuum causing all sorts of monkey business. One of The Incredible Suit’s best films of 2009.

And so, my duty done, I’m off to Hollywood in my DeLorean with a hammer, some nails and a map of the stars’ homes.

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