Showing posts with label john malkovich. Show all posts
Showing posts with label john malkovich. Show all posts

Monday, 26 July 2010

Some Trailers

A lot of trailers are being released at the moment. You might not know what to make of them, so The Incredible Suit is here to tell you what to think and how to feel.

Buried continues to display some balls-out marketing madness. The new trailer doesn't even show any bits from the film, probably because it's almost entirely set in a six foot-long box and that doesn't really lend itself to hyperactive editing and pauses in the music for crap jokes. It does deliver some serious Saul Bassiness though, not unlike its second amazing poster.



I'm going for Buried as this year's unexpected smash that nobody saw coming apart from all the people who did. It had better not let me down.

Red is based on a comic book series you've never heard of because there were only ever three issues. The title is an acronym for Retired, Extremely Dangerous, and it's about a bunch of ex-CIA pensioners who are called into action when the life of the love interest of one of their number is in danger. Like Last Of The Summer Wine, but with Mary-Louise Parker as Nora Batty.



Ignoring the ropey FX on that stepping-out-of-the-moving-car gag, this could well be the action comedy that Knight And Day should have been. Although to be fair I haven't seen Knight And Day, it could be amazing for all I know.

Also any film that stars Bruce Willis, Morgan Freeman, John Malkovich, Helen Mirren, Richard Dreyfuss, Karl Urban, Brian Cox and, after what feels like a twenty-year absence, the Bruce Willis Smirk, can't be all bad. And no, your eyes didn't deceive you. THAT WAS ERNEST BORGNINE.


Tron Legacy is the sequel to one of those 1980s films that you either love blindly because you grew up with it or you think is a bit bobbins because you watched it for the first time as a grown man and came to the conclusion that your life is no worse off having not seen it in all that time.



At the risk of repeating myself, I'd still rather see this.

Finally, here's the latest trailer for David Fincher's Facebook movie, The Social Network. As a warning to younger viewers I should point out that this trailer contains several shots of Jesse Eisenberg's face.



Oh yeah there's a spectacularly-delivered f-bomb in there too.

I can't get excited about this, no matter how hard I try. Fincher has got so much making up to do to me after his last few films that he should screen this personally, at my house, while pouring me glasses of ice-cold panda blood and serving dodo goujons in order to win me round. Although as it's clearly going to be about three hours long he probably shouldn't bother.

Now as it happens I've got an idea for a film about a game-changing website set up by an unrecognised and misunderstood genius. Any takers?

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Tuesday, 12 January 2010

The Spider-Man Reboot: The Incredible Suit Exclusive

Like Quantum, The Incredible Suit has people everywhere. News reaches me today from my Hollywood spies of this conversation, which took place at the headquarters of Sony Pictures yesterday between Sam Raimi, director of two great Spider-Man movies (and Spider-Man 3) and the head of Sony, a retarded monkey:

Sam Raimi: "Well, I’ve confirmed Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst for Spider-Man 4, and I’ve secured John Malkovich to play The Vulture, so it looks like I might be able to atone for the last one and make another great movie!"

Retarded Monkey: "OO! OO! OO!"

Sam Raimi: "Quite. The only thing is, I won’t have it ready for next summer like you wanted. It’ll take another year to do it properly because these things take time."

Retarded Monkey: "AA! AA!"

Sam Raimi: "Indeed. Well we rushed Spider-Man 3, and you made me cram too many villains in, and look what happened there."

Retarded Monkey squeezes out a huge poo on the desk.

Sam Raimi: "I’m sorry you feel that way, but what with my excellent track record as an innovative director capable of handling massive action sequences and nuanced emotional drama who’s made 2.5 billion dollars for this studio, I think you’ll agree I know what I’m doing."

Retarded Monkey flings some of the poo at the wall.

Retarded Monkey: "EEK! EEK! OO! OO! AA!"

Sam Raimi: "What? You want to get rid of me and all the actors and start the franchise again with a completely different bunch of people and call it a reboot and put it out only five years after the last film and the script’s already written and it’s 'gritty' even though the comic was all about fun and bright colours and people don’t want a 'gritty' Spider-Man when they’ve got Batman, Bond and Potter all mooching about in huge piles of grit and could I close the door on the way out? Are you some kind of retarded monkey?"

Retarded Monkey eats the rest of the poo.

Sam Raimi: "Right you are. Good luck with that. I’m sure the audience can’t wait to see Zac Efron as Peter Parker and sit through another origin story."

Retarded Monkey: "OO! OO! Do you have McG’s phone number?"

Sam Raimi leaves to make billions of dollars for another studio.



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