GosWatch

Given that Ryan Gosling managed to sneak up on 2011 while nobody was looking and scrawl his name all over it in bright pink Mistral, it's a miracle he hasn't been the victim of a huge critical backlash yet. I tried to start one myself once by suggesting that he'd ignored an old lady who wanted help crossing the road, but nobody believed me. In actual fact he made sweet love to her like she'd never experienced and now she'll die happy.

So for those of us who still haven't taken the poster from The Notebook off our bedroom ceilings, what's Gozbox up to next? Quite a few things apparently, and not one of them doesn't look absolutely, cock-twangingly amazing.

The Place Beyond The Pines (2012)

The Gozmatronic 5000 reteams with his Blue Valentine director and doppelgänger Derek Cianfrance (have you ever seen them in the same room at the same time?) and nicks a bit of the Drive plot to star as a stuntman who commits a crime to provide for his family. The film promises to be the most trouser-burstingly, knicker-dampeningly sexiful of all time, starring as it does Bradley Cooper (hopefully with his Oscar moustache) and Eva Mendes alongside Gosling, with Chronicle's Dane DeHaan and Animal Kingdom's terrifying Ben Mendelsohn providing the ugly balance. Shot by Shame cinematographer Sean Bobbit, which can only mean little Ryan's coming out to play.

The Gangster Squad (2012)

Zombieland and 30 Minutes Or Less director Ruben Fleischer ditches Jesse Eisenberg and casts R-Gos alongside the almost-as-amazing Emma Stone, Sean Penn, Nick Nolte, Josh Brolin and Animal Kingdom's Sullivan Stapleton for this '40s-set Mafia-off. Gosling plays Sgt. Jerry Wooters and his big fat hooters, and the film also stars Josh Pence, the poor bastard who had to wear Armie Hammer's face for the whole of The Social Network.

Only God Forgives (2012)

If you're not excited about this, you're a stupid dead idiot. Nicolas Winding Refn directs Gozzle Rozzle in this Bangkok-set film about a Muay Thai fighter avenging the death of his brother. Gosling's been in training for months, so expect the violence in this to make Drive look like that time you sat down on a nice bean bag.
Anecdote: I went to a Muay Thai match in Bangkok once and a massive cockroach fell on my head. It was terrifying.

Lawless (2013)

Continuing his refusal to ever work with anyone shit, The 'Sling has recently been fannying about in Texas under the guidance of Terrence Malick, for one of the many projects the bearded slowcoach seems to be cramming into his once-langorous schedule. Lawless' plot is naturally locked in Malick's brain-vault but it's something to do with the Austin music scene, and we do know that it currently boasts Mara, Portman, Bale and Blanchett in its cast. I bet you a pound that it will bring Rygs his first Oscar.