The Empire Awards Looked Vaguely Like This

Sunday night saw me dressed up like James Fucking Bond to attend the 2012 Empire awards, or "Jameson Empire Awards" as we are legally instructed to call them in case you thought they were anything to do with films when they are clearly all about whiskey.

I had a smashing time and saw lots of people off of the films and that, but professionalism and very strict rules prevented me from photographing any of them. Therefore, in an attempt to convey the excitement of the evening in blogular format, I'm just going to have to resort to a few images I've scraped off the bottom of the internet and a bit of lacklustre photoshopping.

Here, then, are just some of the sights I witnessed at the Jameson Empire Jameson Awards Jameson 2012 sponsored by Jameson, almost exactly as they happened:

Dexter Fletcher and Tim Burton at the same event

...but never in the same room at the same time.

A well-known TV personality having a serious-looking conversation with a well-known actress

I'd better not name names because they might have been working on a top secret project and I don't want to be sued by either of them for breach of privacy. It was a bonkers pairing though, believe me.

Danny DeVito making a big job out of putting his glasses on to get a better look at me

The look of disappointment in this photograph is a fairly accurate representation of Danny's actual expression.

The back of Alex Zane as I wandered into the background of one of his Sky Movies reports

I have chosen Nemo from Finding Nemo to represent me in this photo in order to render my bumbling shall-I-carry-on-and-look-stupid-or-shall-I-turn-round-and-look-stupid episode more adorable.

A lady with enormous breasts

It wasn't Christina Hendricks though.

The same well-known TV personality having another serious-looking conversation, this time with a well-known film director

For all I know they were talking about the lady with enormous breasts, but maybe - just maybe - they were "in talks" to collaborate on the world's most amazing film or TV show ever. Because believe me it would be off the flipping chain. 

Chris Hemsworth looking nowhere near as buff as I expected

He was actually wearing a shirt and jacket, otherwise this is uncanny.

An old lady who looked exactly like Danny DeVito looking confusedly at Danny DeVito

I don't know who she was or where she came from but she had literally never in all her years seen anything as crackers as what was going on in her hotel.

Olivia Colman being unspeakably delightful

No photoshopping required.

Mad dancing at the aftershow party at Café de Paris

Fifteen megatons of thanks to the Empire team, all at Romley Davies and of course Jameson Irish Whiskey for a lovely day. Next year I would like to meet Daniel Craig plskthks.