Tuesday, 24 May 2011

The Perils Of Watching Screener DVDs

Stop what you're doing, it's a new(ish) Patrick Wilson film! Family Jewels is a recently-released straight-to-DVD comedy about a man who loses his testicles in a surprise trumpet attack, and who subsequently becomes the subject of a paternity suit when one of his one-night-stands comes back to haunt him.

It's sweet but sluggish and unexceptional, and when Malcolm McDowell and Cybill Shepherd pop up at the half-hour mark as P-Willy's prospective in-laws you get some idea of what you're in for.

None of which is important. What's important is that production company G2 Pictures, who kindly provided me with a screener DVD, plastered a massive burnt-in timecode across the bottom of the frame, making it somewhat tricky to fully appreciate certain elements of the film:

If you enjoyed Family Jewels, why not read some of the author's other books? You'll find him/her in the library under "Frantcr01:01:51:14".

Here's the aforementioned trumpet attack which is so pivotal to the plot. As a fan of brass instrument / gonad-related violence I was devastated not to be able to see this in all its eye-watering glory. However it more than made up for it when I found out that the business end of a trumpet is called the bell end.

This message, which seems to reveal a previously unknown truth in the epilogue, probably wasn't that important, right?

Tough luck if you're a fan of tits POV shots.


  1. prairie_oysters24 May 2011 at 12:56


    You're a funny guy.

  2. Thanks. You're a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus.

  3. prairie_oysters24 May 2011 at 13:09

    I haven't got my end away for 65 million years, if that's what you mean :-(

  4. I had exactly the same problem with a screener of 22 Bullets a while back. I was denied a full view of some lovely gun shot wounds. Somehow I still kind of liked it though, I mean Jean Reno is a legend who rises about such things.