Those crazy kids over at NASA have proclaimed 2009's steaming apocalyptic turdcake 2012 to be the most absurd science fiction film ever, due to its 158-minute eruption of scientifically implausible events and, of course, its massive shitness.
Well excuse me, but I'd prefer it if NASA would stick to building rockets rather than ripping apart rubbish films for their own entertainment. That's my job. Besides, I bet I could pick five science fiction films at random that are more absurd than 2012. What's that? You want me to do just that? Oh OK. Jesus, anybody would think I was just desperately looking around for something to blog about.
Back To The Future
A teenage boy spots another teenage boy watching a teenage girl undressing and, rather than hoofing up the tree and joining him, looks on in disgust? ZAZEEV.
Absurdity: Heavy
WALL·E
He spends the entire film calling his girlfriend by the wrong name and at no point does she get so pissed off that she fires red hot laserbolts into his stupid, massive, undeniably adorable eyes? That woman must be some kind of robot.
Absurdity: MIGHT·E
District 9
There's an alien mincing about in a pink bra. PINK. With those shoes? Bitch please.
Absurdity: Intergalactic
Transformers
Megan Fox is sexually attracted to Shia LaBeouf? Er, HELLO? Have you looked at his face, love?
Absurdity: Astronomical
The Thing
A man puts his hands through another man's chest, gets them bitten off by a gigantic set of rib-teeth, then a tower of guts shoots out of the chest cavity with a set of tentacles and a really ugly wailing head on top which Kurt Russell immediately sets fire to, only for the chesty rib-teeth guy's own head to pull itself off and along the floor with a four-foot-long tongue before sprouting spider's legs and antennae and scampering out of the room, and NOBODY says "You've gotta be fucking kidding"?
You will be pleased to know that you are now free to retire. If District 9 wasn’t enough to convince you that a great science fiction film can be made for the cost of one of your haircuts, please take note of the following short film. It was made by Uraguayan Fede Alvarez and is due to be picked up by Sam Raimi, who will probably spend about half of what you spend on megaphone straps making it into a feature length movie.
Please also note the absence of Shia LaBeouf, who has been replaced by a small Uraguayan boy with better acting skills.
Now do go away.
Yours insincerely, The Incredible Suit
x
PS The phrase "Robots gigantes invaden Montevideo!", which is how Mr Alvarez summarises the plot of his film, is more exciting than both Transformers movies.
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In what can only really be seen as a direct result of yesterday’s post about District 9, a bigger, louder, more alieny trailer has been released onto the interwebs, presumably specifically so I can direct the viewers of The Incredible Suit towards it.
While it’s very kind of the filmmakers to do this just for me, I have mixed reactions about this trailer and may have to tone down the unrestrained confidence I paraded around yesterday like those boys at school who were first to show off their underarm hair, the smug morons. Who’s laughing now, eh? WHERE’S YOUR GROUNDBREAKING BLOG, YOU HAIRY KNUCKLE-DRAGGERS?!
Er… anyway, there are things I like about this trailer. The spaceship hanging in the sky in much the same way that bricks don’t, to quote Douglas Adams, and the guy who gets accidentally sprayed in the face in what seems like a comedy moment but looks like it might have horrific consequences are particularly unsettling.
But then it all goes a bit Transformersy and there’s some kind of robot bashing things about willy nilly. Given the choice I generally prefer aliens to robots (Aliens= full awesomosity, Transformers= full crapulousness), so unless District 9’s robot is just an alien in a robot suit then my confidenceometer is veering tentatively away from ‘unreservedly convinced’ to ‘mildly concerned’.
So I think I might back off from bleating about District 9 for a bit. That way, if it’s rubbish I can say “well, I did express reservations in this post ”, and if it’s tremendous I can say “well, I did predict it would be in this post ”, and in either circumstance I can turn up the smuggery. That’s the beauty of blogging, you can express every wildly disparate facet of an argument and later on you can selectively point people to whatever post turned out to be the least nonsense.
Anyway here’s the new trailer. Make your own mind up, let me know what you think and make sure you tell everyone I was right when it comes out in September.
