The Double-0s (I refuse to call them the noughties; if you don’t know why I’m calling them the Double-0s, you're reading the wrong blog) have produced some cack and no mistake.
The Brothers Grimm,
Serenity,
Marie Antoinette,
American Dreamz,
Southland Tales,
Snakes On A Plane,
10,000 BC… I sob myself to sleep thinking about all those hours forever lost in time, like snot in rain.
On the other, much less despicable hand, there were some movies that quite literally made life worth living. Here are
The Incredible Suit’s ten greatest films of the 2000s in chronological order, which is my favourite kind of logical.
Between its bookends of careening shots through the streets of turn-of-the-century Paris,
Moulin Rouge! is like shoving a lit firework up your bottom and having it explode behind your eyeballs for two hours. Audacious contemporary songs and retina-terrorising production design combine with a beautiful, passionate love story to make the greatest musical, like, ever. Also
Nicole Kidman is well fit, innit.
Two men bent on their own courses of single-minded revenge collide in a bloody, searing and black-as-deathly comic thriller that twists and turns like a slug in salt. Like its follow-up,
Oldboy, it’s unflinchingly brutal and as taut as high-tensile razor wire stretched across your peepers. And don’t even try and tell me you saw that ending coming you puckish little fibber.
One of the very few films to feature funny, likeable children, of which
Jack Black is the biggest. A perfect combination of comedy and great tunes, building up to a face-melting climax that makes you simultaneously laugh and cry snot bubbles all over your air guitar. And
Joan Cusack, as the principal (I think they mean headmistress), is a ladygod amongst ladyfolk.
Majestic in so many ways,
Peter Jackson’s unbelievable achievement reaches its climax (several of them, in fact) with the most spectacular and affecting film of the trilogy. Gollum, Shelob, The Army Of The Dead, the siege of Minas Tirith: any one of these in any other film would have been impressive. All of them in the same film is astonishing. However, there is
no excuse for Annie Lennox’s horrific earhole torture over the credits.
Why Pixar keep fannying about with sequels to
Toy Story and
Cars is beyond me, when
The Incredibles has the most jaw-dropping animation, the most thrilling set pieces, the coolest music and the most identifiable characters (despite being super-powered) of any of their films, and features
Samuel L Jackson’s greatest ever scene (and that’s saying something), in which he attempts to locate his costume against the wishes of his obstreperous missus.
It’s not for everyone, but it is for anyone who doesn’t fit in any particular box. The quirkiest, sweetest and frankly best comedy ever, featuring the most unlikely hero and perhaps the most incisive question in movie history: “Do the chickens have large talons?” By the time Napoleon and Deb play swingball at the end my heartstrings were shedding their own tears. The film that, in a vague and uninteresting way, gave
The Incredible Suit its name.
My occasional friend Brendan describes it as “a turd on the carcass of a once great franchise”, which is eloquent enough, but then predictably calls it ‘Revenge Of The Shit’. Well screw you Brendan. Opening with the most tremendous space battle since
Return Of The Jedi and refusing to let up until the closing scenes, Sith may be divisive but for me concludes the prequel trilogy in an explosion of geekoramic fun.
More gripping and emotionally complex than its overlong, overcomplicated sequel,
Christopher Nolan gave me everything I wanted from a Batflick without me having to ask. Ferocious fight scenes, a Gotham City risen from Hell itself and a Batman who, if you met him in a dark alley, would actually make you do a poo in your trousers. Also,
Michael Caine: Legendary.
When I found out they were making
Casino Royale I was so excited I wet myself, which was embarrassing but worth it.
Martin Campbell and
Daniel Craig gave the franchise the fierce kick in the face it needed, and – like Christopher Nolan the year before - delivered the very film this Bondicidal maniac needed to see. Very possibly the best 007 film ever, and I don’t use words like that lightly.
Twenty minutes of zippy setup followed by fifty minutes of sheer balls-out action, nerve-shredding tension and sphincter-clenching terror, with special effects being used in exactly the correct way according to a manifesto I’ll get round to writing one day.
The Incredible Suit demands a sequel. Bonus:
Michael Giacchino’s theme over the end credits is
an epic masterpiece.
Agree? Disagree? Couldn’t give a sith? Leave a comment
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