Ten Films You Won't Believe Are One Month Old

Time flies when you're a movie blogger hard up for new content, and who among us can actually, seriously believe that 2015 is ALREADY into its second month when it feels like it just started a few weeks ago?!?! Seems to me like the perfect opportunity to cast our minds back to a more innocent time: January 2015, when life was simple, films were made the old fashioned way and Superbowl trailers were a distant future dream. Hang on to your hats, we're going back in time!

Remember when 2015 had barely begun and we were all making inspired comments like this one about how it was the year Marty McFly travelled to in Back To The Future Part II? Great days. We won't see the likes of those gags again until October 21st! Meanwhile in cinemas, the world wept at Eddie Redmayne's portrayal of Steven Hawking in The Theory Of Everything. Get ready for a truth bomb: Redmayne was just THIRTY-TWO when this film was released. He's now THIRTY-THREE! And let's not forget Michael Keaton, who bimbled through Times Square in his pants for the amazing Birdman. That scene is a real time capsule - look at some of the brands advertised in Times Square: Coca-Cola! McDonald's! It's enough to bring a nostalgic tear to your eye.

Can it really be nearly four weeks since Liam Neeson did whatever it was he did in Taken 3? Unbelievable when you think about it. And while many of us were reeling at the news of the terrorist attack in Paris or the return of Broadchurch, Channing Tatum - back when he was young and buff - surprised everyone with a dramatic turn in Foxcatcher. It's hard to imagine in these Jupiter Ascending times, but Tatum wasn't always a successful comedic actor.

You've probably forgotten all about January 2015's Oscar nominations, especially when that lady said "Dick Poop", and it's amazing to think that the new Cadbury's Creme Egg recipe caused such a stir when we're all now completely used to it. But it's hard to forget Whiplash, the film about a young drummer and his mental teacher. Imagine if they made that film today - they'd probably use a drum machine, and the teacher would be replaced by lessons on YouTube! Also out that week was American Sniper, but with the best will in the world none of us can remember anything about that except there was some fuss about a robot baby or something?

As January began to wind down, the world bade a sad farewell to Deirdre off of Coronation Street, who, as far as I'm aware, is still dead today. But do you know who wasn't dead, and still isn't? Oscar Isaac! The star, who these days goes by the name of Oscar Isaac, had no fewer than TWO films out in January - hard to believe such a thing used to happen! Ex Machina and A Most Violent Year actually came out in the same week and were both well-received, although time has been kinder to the latter - Ex Machina's sci-fi looks woefully dated in this day and age!

It seems so silly nowadays when we think back to all the fuss we made about the Ghostbustresses news and the rumour that Chris Pratt might play Indiana Jones. After all, here we are in the following month and neither film has come to pass yet, has it? Meanwhile at the flicks, remember Kingsman: The Secret Service? Tell you what, if anything looks dated today it's that - look at the suits they wear! January 2015? DECEMBER 2014, MORE LIKE! And then Disney's Big Hero 6 popped up, and people were tweeting "I want a Baymax!" all over the place back when we all used Twitter. It was like "Look at this plastic baby in American Sniper" all over again! One final thought: If you saw Big Hero 6 as a ten-year-old, there's a roughly 1-in-122 chance that you're now eleven. ELEVEN!! How old does that you make you feel, GRANDAD?!

Kingsman: The Secret Service

For 24 hours in late 2005, Matthew Vaughn was under the impression - not unreasonably, having apparently been offered the gig by the head of MGM - that he would be directing Casino Royale, the film that brought us the James Bond origin story we never knew we wanted. Whatever he did to get himself evicted from Bond Street, it's obviously been giving him nightmares ever since: he's now on his third fantasy hero origin movie in a row, and this one pulls down its pants and presses its spotty arse on the back window of the school bus at 007, following behind in his Aston Martin and praying for the lights to change.

While the ghost of a stillborn career directing Bond films might haunt Vaughn, Kingsman: The Secret Service probably owes more to The Avengers - the real Avengers I mean, not the attention-seeking Marvel superheroes - than Bond. Its diabolical mastermind, wafer-thin plot and sartorial choices - all double-breasted, patterned suits and old school ties - would make for a much more successful present-day update of the TV series than 1998's Ralph Fiennes-starring abortion.

*shudder*

But Kingsman, as it frequently reminds us, isn't that kind of movie. Vaughn's style is too hyperactive for Bond, and John Steed would need a nice sit down with a pot of Earl Grey if he saw some of what Colin Firth gets up to here. What it is, however, is enormous, guilty fun: a wilfully, gleefully offensive eruption of panto violence and adolescent fantasies drowning in inventive set-pieces and bawdy LOLz.

Kingsman's story doesn't bear too much scrutiny, not least because doing so invites a number of wider readings of the film which were probably never intended. Cartoon chav Eggsy (the origin of the nickname remains, sadly, a mystery) is plucked from his thinly-sketched underclass life by Harry Hart (Firth), a suave secret agent in a Savile Row suit, and taught how to kick ass like a first class gentleman. Sharp schmutter is their armour, politeness is their primary weapon (other weapons include guns and hand grenades; politeness will, after all, only get you so far). Meanwhile Samuel L Jackson's lisping, squeamish villain Valentine, the CEO of a global consumer electronics company, is hatching an evil plot straight out of Moonraker - only sillier, if that's even possible.

"I HAVE A DREA- shit, sorry. Wrong audition."

Like every other origin story, Eggsy's training - which involves some glorious action sequences undertaken in pin-striped jumpsuits - runs parallel to the buildup of the bad guy's scheme, and both storylines hit all the beats you'd expect them to. But because Kingsman is based on a Mark Millar comic, everything comes supersized, with a side order of irony and an XXL cup of meta. In the comic, for example, Millar has actor Mark Hamill kidnapped by the bad guy; in the film, the kidnappee is a dotty professor played by Mark Hamill. Do you see? There's quite a lot of this kind of thing, and I make no apologies for enjoying all of it.

Vaughn's set-pieces are delirious crowd-pleasers, and he does well to sustain dangerously high levels of insanity for the whole running time. The bonkersometer peaks with a remarkable (and, like much of Millar's work, morally questionable) scene in a church which should delight and disgust you in equal measure. Kinetic camerawork and eye-watering stunts are the order of the day, but as fun as they are you can't help being reminded of another visually innovative British director: while Edgar Wright's action scenes feel like the work of a clinical perfectionist, though, there's a distinct feeling that Vaughn sometimes signs his off with a hasty "that'll do".

Taron Egerton is convincing enough as Eggsy, if suspiciously buff for a character who we are to assume subsists almost entirely on Big Macs and beer. Colin Firth has an absolute ruddy ball as his answer to James Bond (not that anyone ever asked the question); Michael Caine, thankfully, gets more lines than Christopher Nolan ever gives him, and Samuel L Jackson wears a lot of bright colours. Sofia Boutella's bionic-limbed baddie Gazelle, meanwhile, is terrific fun, and deserves an origin story of her own.

I cannot pretend for a single moment that I did not enjoy the shit out of this bit

What Kingsman isn't, as you may have guessed, is particularly clever. Deliberately referencing Pygmalionesque stories like Trading Places, Nikita and Pretty Woman, Vaughn and Millar give themselves a fertile opportunity to explore notions of class migration and self-improvement, but choose not to bother. Eggsy's arc, such as it is, involves achieving success by ditching the alarming printed bomber jacket and Nike Air Force 1s in favour of dressing like a toff (the "changing room" in the agents' tailors' shop is as metaphorical as it is literal); there are some mumbled lines about how being a gentleman is more about how you behave than what you look like, but you'd be forgiven for leaving the film with the impression that it only furthers the demonisation of the working class from an establishment perspective.

That said, Kingsman is a film that features exploding heads, a henchwoman who bisects people with razor-sharp prosthetic legs and a spectacularly crude anal sex gag, so you have to wonder whether it's worth getting worked up about the lack of social commentary. Sometimes you just need to be entertained, and in that sense Kingsman succeeds with great big flashing neon nobs on.

Thirteen - thirteen! - films I'll be giving a shit about in January

BIRDMAN

I can confirm, like pretty much every sane human being on Earth, that Birdman is definitely worth giving a shit about. It's got some of the best superhero-actors-being-peculiar-in-their-pants scenes I've ever witnessed, and I've witnessed loads, although none spring to mind at this particular moment in time. Anyway here's my review. (1st)

THE THEORY OF EVERYTHING

I love me a bit of Eddie Reddie, and Felicity Jones is fast becoming one of my favourite human beings ever to walk the planet. Also this Stephen Hawking guy looks like he might be interesting. Mainly Felicity Jones though. (1st)

ENEMY

I didn't really go a bundle on Denis Villeneuve's last project with Jake Gyllenhaal, Prisoners, but it intrigued me enough to want to check out this mad-looking double helping of J-Gyllz. Here's hoping it's more The Man Who Haunted Himself and less Double Impact. (I've never seen Double Impact) (2nd)

FOXCATCHER

Another film I already gave a shit about. It's long and slow but deeply unsettling, plus you'll have to watch it if you want to know what all the fuss is about come Oscar o'clock. (9th)

INTO THE WOODS

I'm confident that Rob Marshall has another Chicago in him, despite there being nothing in his filmography to support that argument. This can't be worse than Nine though, right? Right? (9th)

AMERICAN SNIPER

Show me Bradley Cooper doing all the acting faces and I'll show you a handful of cash which I will give you in return for a ticket to see this film. Assuming you work at a cinema box office, that is. Otherwise things just get complicated. (16th)

WHIPLASH

I've seen this too, aren't I tedious? It's not without its flaws but it's probably my favourite film of the year so far. (16th)

BEYOND CLUELESS

I paid cold hard cash (not much, in all honesty) to help get this teen flicks doc made, so I'm pleased to report that it's ridiculously entertaining and will make you want to watch every film it mentions as soon as it ends. Also director Charlie Lyne all but stopped writing his film blog so he could make this film, so I'm grateful for any traffic I've inherited. (23rd)

EX_MACHINA

Oscar Isaac is my new jam. People still say "x is my new jam" in 2015, don't they? Oh god I'm so old and embarrassingly out of touch. (21st)

MORTDECAI

No, this is definitely not another Johnny English. No, I think you'll find moustaches are funny. Yes, Johnny Depp doing a silly accent is definitely still a thing. No YOU shut up. (23rd)

A MOST VIOLENT YEAR

Oscar Isaac is the sodium in my semen. You'll all be using that phrase later this year, you just don't know it yet. Fortunately I'm massively ahead of the curve on these things. (23rd)

KINGSMAN: THE SECRET SERVICE

Huge congrats to Matthew Vaughn for seeing a film through from beginning to end! I look forward to him developing the sequel then walking away to direct a Star Wars. (29th)

BIG HERO 6

Later in today's programme, we'll be showing you how you can make your own Baymax using just a handful of condoms, a few elastic bands and your mum's mascara. But first, the story of Kevin, the puppy with the purple poo! (30th)

Note: in no way will I be giving any shits at all about Inherent Vice.

Colin Firth IS Hugh Jai Cue inKingsman: The Secret Service