Monday, 21 May 2012

Skyfall Teaser: The Inevitable Trailer Breakdown

For 83 seconds this morning, Bill Turnbull stopped talking absolute shit and sneaking crafty glances at Susanna Reid's hooters as BBC Breakfast exclusively aired the first Skyfall trailer. God bless the BBC and God bless Susanna Reid's hooters.

Well I don't know about you but FUCK ME. I spent every second of that with shivers that my spine couldn't accommodate and hence took over my entire body. I've almost recovered now, so let's have a closer, lo-res jpeg look!

FACT: You can see the building I work in in this shot. I don't think that's relevant to the plot though.

Bond appears to be undergoing some kind of psychiatric evaluation. It's possible that some kind of mental trauma was brought on by the wearing of a tracksuit, but it's more likely that at long last we get to see MI6 doing something about the fact that the guy has serious issues.

Watching the evaluation is Ralph Fiennes, doing a Bill Turnbull and sneaking a crafty glance at Judi Dench's hooters. If Ralph isn't M by the end of this film I will go out, buy a hat, eat it, sick it up and ask for a refund.

"Skyfall." "Done". BRRRR. Bond don't take no psych-eval shit from you, goatee man. Check out how obviously disturbed he is though; Craig's face has a googolplex times the emotion of Roger Moore's, and that's a lot.

Shanghai. Been there. Got a nice shirt made. Again, probably irrelevant.

This is James Bond firing a gun. Expect a lot of this.

M's Jubilee street party looks like a LOL riot.

This is our only look at Naomie "definitely not Moneypenny, no way, uh-uh, absolutely not, well maybe" Harris. If she says anything about Bond enjoying a close shave I will commit a heinous crime.

Skyfall innit.

This bit is more exciting if you've never seen Speed, Die Hard With A Vengeance or that episode of Coronation Street, but it's still exciting. It's also a relief to see that the train is Not In Service and driverless, so hopefully nobody was hurt. I'd hate to see people get hurt in a Bond film.

Here's the only glimpse of Javier Bardem in the whole teaser. He's been conspicuously absent from all the marketing so far, which means Sony are holding back something amazing here. I have it on good authority that he looks "proper Bond villain", so hopefully he's wearing a Nehru jacket, has a scar down his face, wears an eyepatch, bleeds from the other eye, is bald, is foreign, lives underwater, uses a golden gun, runs a media empire etc etc.

I don't know who this is and I don't know what "bi-something-ic communications" is. When I've seen the film I'll update this caption.

This is the best-looking Bond, like, ever. I confidently predict DoP Roger Deakins will get an Oscar for Skyfall, and I'm the guy who confidently predicted an Avengers movie would never get made.

I told you there'd be a lot of this. My God I'm good.

BEETLEMANIA! Ah, dearie me. *wipes eye*

This is from the Turkey-set, train-based pre-title sequence, and marks the exact moment in the film when my heart will explode out of my body. If you're in the same screening as me, wear a waterproof coat.

In America, maybe. Over here, October. FUCK YOU AMERICA!!! Not really. Sorry. Got a bit carried away.

So there you have it. 83 seconds of Bond porn that has raised my excitement levels beyond all reasonable expectations. Bond is back, and it's looking better than ever. BRING IT.


  1. Skyfall-tastic work, Mr Suit!

  2. I reckon Ralph Fiennes turns out to be the baddie, and also turns out to be James Bond's daddy. Cue a devastating climax where Bond must choose between family or work, the ultimate choice for the 21st century man. He chooses work of course. Fuck you dad.

    1. James Bond is an orphan. It's mentioned in the obituary in the You Only Live Twice novel, as well as more than once in the films. Most recently in Casino Royale, on the train to Montenegro.

      Fiennes will likely portray M., but not Bond's father. For both, the audience should be exceedingly grateful.

  3. Oh yeah, and FUCK YOU AMERICA. Now WE get all the big movies first. This is payback for the 80's!

  4. The guy questioning Bond...

    Norris from Coronation Street?


  5. I hate trailers because they spoil the enjoyment of the film. A trailer is a marketing tool. This trailer condenses a whole movie into 83 seconds. My advice is to see the film first and only watch the trailer later as a kind of animated snapshot album to remind you of the scenes and action. Please try that. I'm probably too late because these comments are at the foot of the page.

  6. Biometric Communications.

    Look at

  7. There is one more shot of Bond in an Underwater Scuffle just before the last stubble shot...

  8. If MI6 is under attack, Ralph Fienes character has a greater chance of being killed than Judi Dench's.

  9. I can only assume you work in Big Ben.