Despite being almost perversely determined not to enjoy the Oscars, I did attempt to actually enjoy myself last night. I stayed up till 5.30am and everything, armed with a laptop and a mobile phone and ready to blog the shit out of those Oscars. Unfortunately they were as predictably tedious as I tediously predicted, and innumerate technical failures during the evening caused me to use language that would have made Melissa Leo blush.
Nevertheless, here's a vague representation of the evening via the magic of the Nokia 5800 Xpress Music's on-board camera.
First things first: provisions. Almost everything you see in this picture had been consumed before anyone set foot on the red carpet.
This cat spent vast swathes of the evening showing me his arsehole. I wouldn't normally share such a private moment but, unbelievably, the cat's name is Oscar and I felt like he was making an erudite comment on proceedings.
There were some serious bow tie issues as far as horizontality was concerned. I was pleased to note that Mark Ruffalo and Jude Law had the same problem.
Several times during the evening our live stream froze. On the first such occasion we had to stare at AR Rahman for something approaching six minutes. After four we noticed that his ears were unfeasibly massive.
With the excitement building to almost bearable levels, we made our predictions on a handwritten form that felt like completing a complex tax declaration in a foreign country:
And then my laptop crashed, my phone chose to connect to the internet only when Natalie Portman appeared on screen and the live stream stopped and started more often than Colin Firth in The King's Speech. I managed to squeeze a few tweets out, and if you were lucky enough to miss them, here's the one that got retweeted the most and therefore wins the Oscar for Best Tweet by The Incredible Suit:
I'm not sure I understand it myself and I wrote it, but then it is 6.09am and I could do with some kip. Goodnight.