Thursday, 13 March 2014

Script pitch - Noah 2: The Curse Of Ham

With the new trailer for Darrenaronarrenofsky's Noah currently doing the rounds, it struck me that if ever a story was ripe for a sequel it was this one. After all, there are ruddy thousands of stories already written that follow Noah's watery tale, so adapting them should be a piece of piss.

With that in mind, I skim-read Wikipedia's summary of The Book Of Genesis and knocked up the following key scenes in an attempt to sell my Noah sequel to Hollywood. All you fans of The Bible out there will hopefully recognise how closely I've stuck to the original text.

Scene: Post-flood, Noah and God settle their differences. God presents Noah with a rainbow as a peace offering to him and all mankind.
GOD
I say Noah old bean, I really am frightfully sorry about that apocalyptic global tsunami. I'm afraid I just sort of got carried away, I was very cross you see, and I think I may have overdone it a little. I hope your insurance will cover any leaks in your shack's roof.

NOAH
Are you fucking joking?

GOD
I realise you're angry, but so was I. I had a lot on my plate, and I just lost it for a minute. Could happen to anyone. Anyway, by way of apols, I made you this.

NOAH
The fuck?

GOD
It's a pretty bow, in the most glorious colours of all creation. It's made of sunshine and rain, and I call it a rainbow.

NOAH
You must be taking the piss. I've had enough rain to last a lifetime you insensitive bastard. Shove it up yer arse and leave me alone.

GOD
(To Himself)
I knew I should have called it a sunbow.

*

Scene: Noah uses his newly fertile land to create an alcoholic drink made from his grapes. He enjoys the fruits of his labour while relaxing in his tent au naturel. One day, his son Ham stumbles into his father's tent unannounced.
 NOAH
[Swigging liberally from a wine bottle]
Ah fuggin love you, tent. You're my besht tent in the WHOLE WORLD. I wanna kish you, tent, come ere yer fuggin gaggin for it you are.

NOAH cuts a hole in the side of his tent and is attempting to make love to it when his son, HAM, approaches.

HAM
DAD! Oh my GOD! You're like totally butt naked, I can see your cock and balls! Jesus!

NOAH
Fuggoff you, I'm busy. Go and fetch me some fuggin crisps or something you useless shit. And stop clocking my junk fafugsake before I fuggin curse your pasty ass.

HAM
UGH, I HATE you! You're the worst dad EVER, I wish I'd never been BORN!

HAM runs away in tears.

*

Scene: Ham tells his brothers Shem and Japheth of the episode. Angered at this betrayal, Noah curses Ham's son Canaan to a life of servitude beneath his brothers.
HAM
...and it was all droopy and everything and he was still trying to stick it through the side of the tent, it was GROSS.

SHEM
Dude, that is fucked up.

JAPHETH
You shouldn't be telling us this man, Dad'll go postal. You know what he's like when he gets all cursey.

NOAH bursts in to the room.

NOAH
You little fugger, I knew you'd blab! I might be shitfaced but I curse thee! I curse thee so hard you'll wish you'd never fallen outa your mama's cooch! SHAZAM!

NOAH waves his hands around ineffectually then falls over.

HAM
Well that was embarrassing.

HAM's son CANAAN enters the room in a butler's outfit.

CANAAN
Dad, can you explain this? I'm suddenly dressed like a butler and Cush, Mizraim and Phut are all like "fetch this bro, fetch that bro".

HAM
Shit.

*

Hollywood, I am literally sitting by the phone waiting for your call.

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