Transformers 4 Will Be First Film To Star Genetically Engineered Actors

The casting of the world's least-awaited fourquel Transformers 4 was announced yesterday, and in a shock move director Michael Bay has chosen to cast two lifeforms grown in a petri dish specifically for the film.

Aware that no actual acting will be required, Bay grew his stars over the past six weeks on a windowsill in his Bel Air mansion using DNA extracted from his extensive collection of existing stars' hair, saliva and ejaculate.

Taking over from Shia LaBeouf in the role of Shouting Unlikely Hero is Specimen #4276M, to which Bay has assigned the designation "Brenton Thwaites" because he thought it "sounded cool and distracts from the generic blandness of his face". Thwaites was designed to have the perfect square jawline, is capable of all three distinct looks necessary for a Transformers film (cheeky grin, confused, angry) and has been carefully engineered to appeal to people of all sexualities by the simple addition of a vest.

To play Screaming Girl With Perspiration On Breasts, a part so demanding that only two actresses in the world (Megan Fox and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley) possess the talent required, Bay emerged cackling maniacally from the lab with Specimen #2719F, which he calls "Nicola Peltz" if anyone comes asking. Peltz is largely constructed from genetic material harvested from Mila Kunis while she slept, although Bay admits that he did bump into a shelf during the early stages of her creation and DNA from many actresses fell into the test tube. "That's why she looks like pretty much every 16-24 year old female ever seen on screen," Bay explains.

Following the success of the casting, Bay hopes to use similar methods to engineer the film's screenplay, and is currently feeding all three previous Transformers scripts into a Gene Pulser electroporation buffer along with large amounts of weapons-grade dogshit. He began work this morning and the result is expected at around lunchtime.