Tuesday, 10 April 2012

James Cameron To Shoot, Edit And Distribute Avatar Sequels Exclusively At Bottom Of Mariana Trench

Avatar director James Cameron has announced plans to not only produce the sequels to his undeservedly successful film in a single location - at the bottom of the Mariana Trench - but also to only allow them to be screened there, according to completely fictional reports.

The once-genius, now-deluded mentalist made the decision after a recent trip to the deepest point on Earth, which he visited because he hadn't been in the news for a while and it helped publicise the 3D re-release of his massive-human-tragedy-turned-popcorn-flogging-cash-cow Titanic.

Cameron's decision to make two multi-million-dollar films 36,000 feet underwater will come as little surprise to anyone who has followed the raving nincompoop's recent escapades, but his plan to only allow the films to be shown in the same location has baffled everyone in the world, even Fox executives, who are notoriously tolerant of the crackpot megalomaniac's harebrained schemes. "We're not entirely sure Jim is legally sane any more," Avatar producer Jon Landau didn't say, "but where he goes, we follow. And we're all going down."

"It's a natural progression for cinema," Cameron might have said if any of this were true, "and the simple novelty factor of shooting and exhibiting Avatar 2 and 3 eleven kilometres below sea level means that every idiot and his wife will come and see the films regardless of the absence of any originality in the screenplay."
An idiot and his wife, yesterday

The move is expected to cost somewhere in the region of ten billion dollars and will involve the construction of waterproof sound stages and a cinema capable of withstanding the 16,000 psi pressure experienced at the bottom of the trench. But Cameron has a plan to guarantee his films will make a profit.

"We'll be charging $15 million per ticket, which includes transport to the theater," the dictatorial fruitcake probably but not definitely said, "plus a buck fifty for the hire of the 3D glasses. Those pussies at Fox were hesitant about charging for the specs but there was no way I was about to leave any money on the table. By my reckoning Avatar 2 alone will be the most successful film in history after its first screening."
The bottom of the Mariana Trench, yesterday

Critics of the project are concerned about a lack of foresight on the director's part. "I'm not sure Cameron's packing a full suitcase on this trip," said Brian Critic of some made-up outlet or other. "The logistics of something this insane mean that it's going to take somewhere in the region of sixty-odd years to successfully achieve, by which time he'll be about 120 years old. How does he expect to live to see the box office returns? What is he, a vampire?"

In possibly related and equally untruthful news, Cameron was recently seen drinking the blood of a virgin at a party held by Adam Sandler.


  1. I'm a massive Cameron fan, and dispute his flaws, the man is an absolute legend :) Love the Mariana Trench pic lol

  2. Was this supposed to go up nine days ago? I doubt the veracity of this news, to be quite honest...

  3. Titanic 3D was top of the UK box-office this weekend. A re-release! This man doesn't have the word 'fail' in his vocabulary.

  4. wife of an idiot12 April 2012 at 07:33