Wednesday, 18 May 2011

Five Marvel Superhero Spin-Offs Coming Soon(ish)!

Having failed to learn their lesson with the likes of Elektra and X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Marvel continue to threaten the world with spin-off standalone movies from their most successful projects.

We already know about untantalising prospects like Deadpool, X-Men Origins: Magneto, Black Widow and Hawkeye, but The Incredible Suit has gone deeper, further and harder into Marvel's inner crevices to hunt down more superhero spin-offs heading our way. Warning: it's not pretty. Except for the last one.

Mark Ruffalo
Hulk: Third Time Lucky
Plot: In this re-re-boot of the doomed franchise, Ruffles stars as Bruce Banner, a man forced to relive his own origin story time and time again. Aiming for a grittier, more realistic version this time, Marvel do away with Banner's ridiculous indestructible trousers and Hulk finally gets to swing his mighty green todger around. A generation of kids is permanently traumatised, Marvel are sued to within an inch of their lives and Ruffles is sacked and blamed for the whole sorry affair.
Obligatory Post-Credits Scene: A phone rings. An actor answers. A voice asks: "Fancy playing the new Hulk?" The actor looks into camera, smiling. It's Chris Evans. Cut to black.

Gwyneth Paltrow & Angelina Jolie
A Salt With A Deadly Pepper
Plot: Iron Man's PA Pepper Potts goes it alone as a superhero, fashioning a suit whose primary weapons fire ground pepper up her enemies' noses, causing them to sneeze themselves to death. In a further crossover twist she hires Salt's Evelyn Salt as her sidekick, and when evil is finally defeated they pursue their dream of launching a range of containers for dispensing ground corns from the piper nigrum plant and fine grains of sodium chloride. The final scene sees them proudly opening their first branch of "Pepper Potts And Salt: Sellers Of Pepper Pots And Salt Cellars". 
Obligatory Post-Credits Scene: John Travolta turns up as Vincent Vinegar with an intriguing business proposal.

Rosemary Harris
Aunt Mayfly
Plot: Spider-Man's annoying aunt is bitten by a radioactive mayfly and becomes a super-strong pensioner / insect hybrid with gigantic compound eyes and two vaginas. Suffering from dementia, she believes Peter Parker to be Doctor Octopus and devises a plan to gather all the world's mayflies together and beat him to death with their membranous wings. Sadly she also forgets about the mayfly's short lifespan and, 30 minutes after being bitten, drops dead and is eaten by a cat.
Obligatory Post-Credits Scene: One of the 3,000 eggs Aunt Mayfly laid before she died cracks open and a hideous human-mayfly-spider-octopus creature emerges in a tease for Marvel's forthcoming Doctor Octospidermayflymanwoman.

Stan Lee
That Guy
Plot: Stan Lee plays master of disguise That Guy, who wickedly plans to distract the attention of global cinema audiences by popping up in summer blockbusters as, variously, That Guy In The Truck, That Guy Drinking From A Bottle, That Guy In Times Square, That Guy With The Hosepipe, That Guy Dodging Debris, That Guy Selling Hotdogs and That Guy Crossing The Road. In a piece of casting so meta it hurts, Stan cameos in his own film as That Guy Who Plays That Guy In That Guy, at which point the whole exercise disappears up its own arse.
Obligatory Post-Credits Scene: Characters from every film in which Stan Lee made a cameo appearance turn up to get their own back. Marvel decide to make this scene 150 minutes long and call it The Avengers.

Kat Dennings' breasts
Tits Of Fury
Plot: Natalie Portman's kooky comedy sidekick from Thor gets her own movie as a woman blessed with unbelievable knockers. Using the hypnotic powers of her astonishing d├ęcolletage, she, uh... um... excuse me, I just need to pop out for a minute.
Obligatory Post-Credits Scene: Stan Lee makes a cameo appearance as That Guy Who Has A Big Wank.