Tuesday, 4 May 2010

The Iron Man 2 Manifesto

Hi! I'm Iron Man. Of all the films coming up in the blockbuster season of 2010, I'm here to tell you why you should watch Iron Man 2 rather than anything else, with my 7-point Iron Manifesto:

1. I pledge to get rid of my friend Rhodey from the first film because he was too interesting and a bit fat. My new Rhodey will be a slimline version who can easily fit into one of my spare suits, will immediately know how to operate the suit even though it took me about an hour of screen time in the first film, and will be entirely devoid of character so as not to show me up.

2. In fact I pledge that all my fellow characters will be as weak as possible so that I'm the only one anybody remembers. I'll waste Mickey Rourke and Sam Rockwell as rubbish one-dimensional villains, I'll give Scarlett Johansson a figure-hugging suit and one fight scene but nothing else and I promise to use the mighty Samuel L Jackson to turn up, deliver expository dialogue and bugger off again.

3. Despite having the most technologically advanced and downright incredible suit ever made, I pledge to resort to punch-ups in most of my fight scenes. If I do suddenly reveal a very cool laser that you've never seen before as - inexplicably - a last resort, I pledge to explain why I don't just use it all the time by muttering something about how it can only be used once. I also promise not to bore you with why that's the case.

4. I pledge to introduce an irrelevant subplot about how that thing on my chest that keeps me alive is also killing me, and furthermore I pledge to solve this problem with a further pointless subplot about my Dad which will be one of the most ridiculous contrivances in modern cinema.

5. Remember that cute scene from the trailer where Pepper Potts kisses my helmet (fnerk) and I jump out of a plane saying "you complete me"? Well I pledge not to include that in the film. I do, however, pledge to kiss her in a scene that is supposed to carry some emotional weight but is in fact about as emotionally charged as a tin can kissing a stick can be.

6. I pledge to include an obligatory final scene after the credits that means nothing to anyone except the most hardcore Marvel Comics fan.

7. Finally, I pledge to do absolutely nothing for the superhero genre, despite recent envelope-pushers like The Dark Knight and Kick-Ass, and I promise to do it with as vague a story and script as possible so as not to confuse the kiddlywinks.

So that's the Iron Man 2 Manifesto. I hope you'll choose my film as the one to spend a tenner on because we need all the cash we can to parp out another one of these in a couple of years.

Iron Man

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  1. Once again, Don Cheadle displays the charm and countenance of a glum horse.

  2. Eddie Izzard looks ridiculous in the bright red hard shell suit, not his colour at all. He thought someone said "Do you want to stand in a general erection." Well, what an invition to the renowned stand up artist and bi-sexual show-off.

  3. He's not bi-sexual Tony, he's straight and likes dressing in women's clothing. And showing off is his job. At least be factual when trying to abuse someone, there's a good lad.

  4. No abuse intended and my profuse apologies to Eddie Izzard if any was taken. It is not my intention to cause offence. What I should have said in relation to showing off as both sexes was cross dressing.

    Good name that - Eddie is hard - Eddie Izzard.

  5. I think another apology is probably called for, to glum horses the world over, outraged at being compared to Don Cheadle.

  6. You forgot to emphasize how much better Sam Rockwell is than this. Also, how boring personal relationships are.

  7. hahahah this made me laugh big time. totally agree with everything, but still loved the film :)

  8. Irn-bru. See what you did there ;)

  9. whahahaha.. you're the man, MAN!

    Sig: Andrew@custom shirts